He had cooked every night – although we didn’t fuck every
night. We had a connection and he consistently said that he had never felt this
way toward another guy for a long long time. Although every night I have found
out something new about my fuck buddy which has strengthened my conviction that
he is not relationship material.
As we cuddled in each other’s arms last night, he said
that he felt safe and secure in my arms. I reassured him that he had nothing to
fear and that I felt safe and secure in his arms. He said that he would never
let anyone hurt me and would ‘beat’ the person to a pulp until death if they
ever touched a finger on me.
The most upsetting story I have heard come from the lips
of my fuck buddy was that he was beaten by one his ex. His ex had smashed his
face in until he bleed and got a bloody nose. This occurred a couple of times.
He said that he obviously had deserved it and didn’t lift one finger in
self-defence. As explained in my prior posts, my fuck buddy is a people
pleaser. But to not lift a finger in self defence is taken people pleasing to a
whole new level. I felt saddened that someone would beat such a beautiful
person (although recognising that this story is his perception of events). I
felt sickened that my fuck buddy would somehow blame himself for such abuse. I
began to understand that my fuck buddy had exceptionally low self esteem to
subject himself to such abuse (alarm bells). I tried to explain that physical
abuse is never ever okay and I would never do such a thing to my enemy let
alone my lover. My comments were falling on deaf ears.
I talked about my plans for the weekend and said that I
was catching up with a mate on Saturday night (i.e. to talk with chefette). He
instantly assumed that I was going over there to fuck my mate (this was true
but when someone says mate one should not automatically assume that it was for
a fuck – I mean I don’t automatically assume that every guy my fuck buddy sees
is for a fuck – although this has some element of truth to it). He struggled to
breath and went into this trance of deep breathing. This had happened a couple
of times before. I recognised that this was my fuck buddy controlling his
anger. He confessed he was upset and sickened that I would fuck around. I could
just imagine what would happen if I was in a relationship with my fuck buddy
and he caught someone checking me out (there would be hell to pay – alarm bells
ringing).
Later on in the night, he asked what we were doing. I
said that we were enjoying each other’s company. He then broke down, he hugged
me tighter. He said that he was going to say something and that he didn’t want
me to freak out and be upset. He said that he was ‘madly in love with me’, he
said that every time he saw me he fell deeper in love with me. He said that he
had never felt this way toward another guy. He wanted me to be his boyfriend
and to grow old together. He loved my looks, my personality, the way I fuck and
everything about me. (too many alarm bells for words.
He kind of contradicted himself as he also said that he
has gone through these intense relationships with other guys but he quickly got
over them in 3 to 4 weeks. Me and my fuck buddy had been seeing
each other for 6 weeks. This caused huge alarm evacuation bells for me. If I did utter those
fateful “I love you” words, it is likely that my fuck buddy would then withdraw
and disconnect. The fact that I didn’t utter those words was more of a challenge
to him. Of course, this probably would have taken its toll on my emotions. I’m
so glad that I controlled my feelings for my fuck buddy and recognised that it
was a man crush as opposed to true love.
He then said that we can’t do this anymore (meaning cuddle
and sleeping over), if I wanted to him again it would only be as a fuck buddy –
as in have a couple of drinks and then fuck and go – it was hurting him that I
was doing relationship things such as cuddling and being intimate without sex
but not reciprocating his love. He said that he needed to not see me for a
while (2 weeks), and that after that we would just be fuck buddies and nothing
more.
He asked me for my thoughts, and I had to say that I was
a little sad, that I enjoyed his company and that I was sorry I was not able to
show him the love that he was showing me. I felt a little cheap and dirty for
continuing seeing him and knowing deep down inside that he loved me.
It come out that he had organised to go out the next night – his
quest was to find a bottom to fuck (he was so disappointed that I wouldn’t
bottom for him – he loved my arse and thought it was criminal that a top would
have a gorgeous ass like mine). He said that he would be thinking of me when he
fucked and would find it difficult to not message me over the next 2 weeks.
As a person once said to me, love is a drug as it
stimulates the same centres of the brain when you are on a drug high. My fuck
buddy was trying to go cold turkey. I suspect that my fuck buddy will try and
communicate with me over the next 2 weeks. He needed his fix of me… but I can’t
fall into the same trap again and reply back - knowing how he truly feels about
me - I can't be that cruel.
I can’t really explain what I had with my fuck buddy, it
was clearly something way more than a fuck buddy or mates with benefits
arrangement. The time we shared with each other was fantastic. It was like a
pseudo relationship. I mean seriously, we were acting like we were in a
relationship by seeing each other for five consecutive nights. I must confess I
am thinking about what it would be like to be in a relationship with my fuck
buddy. I believe that we would have fantastic times, but we would also have
very low points where my fuck buddy’s emotions would flip.
So, I’m back on the wagon – my time is not going to be monopolised
by my fuck buddy (although I really liked it) – being intimate with my fuck
buddy has made me re-evaluate what I want from my life. Yes, good ole “no
strings attached” (“NSA”) is fantastic but those moments when my fuck buddy
held me in his arms were more pleasurable for me than a mere fuck. I will
definitely miss my cuddle time with my fuck buddy…
P.S. Apologies for the long post…
No comments:
Post a Comment