Fuck Buddy – the final message

I believe I have received the final message from my fuck buddy, turned boyfriend, turned ex-boyfriend, turned ex-fuck buddy – six days ago.

The message read that he was going against all his natural instincts but just wanted to let me know that he still loved me and that I was a very special guy. My reply was direct and simply asked “what do your natural instincts tell you?” – no reply was forthcoming…

Over the last six days I have been thinking less and less about my fuck buddy. It was extremely hard that weekend not to pick up the phone and tell my fuck buddy I was coming over. I felt isolated and melancholy.

I know it’s for the best, but I can’t help but feel saddened that my fuck buddy didn’t try hard enough to win my affections again. But then again – if he is a liar, has commitment and trust issues then winning my affections would necessitate acknowledging what he did. It would also make it harder for me to disconnect my emotions from him.

I made a commitment to myself to stop feeling sorry for myself and get on the band wagon again…

On Sunday I got a message from a mid 20s tradie – he was handsome – had a good body – I know Im easy on the eye but thought I had hit the jackpot with him. More on this night later…

On Monday I arranged for a total of six dates in six days…

·         Tuesday night – a nice guy for a coffee date

·         Wednesday night – a spanish guy that had just arrived in the city – just a mate :P

·         Thursday night – a married man (yes I will delve into the ethical issues on this one)

·         Friday – a nice guy that lives in the next suburb for drinks at mine

·         Saturday – A cute young guy for a coffee date

·         Sunday – Meet number 2 with the tradie…

So by Monday I hope to be shattered and have a few guys to fuck around with to keep my mind off my fuck buddy. I will of course update my blog with each entry – when I have time :P

Fuck buddy exposed and cornered

My fuck buddy messaged me yesterday – the first contact after the toilet flood incident. In the message he apologised for his actions that night. That he loved me and missed me. He wanted to see me that night to talk.

My reply was perfect – If you loved me he wouldn’t say he was committed and exclusive and then go behind my back and fuck around on a dating website. All I wanted was honesty – if he wanted to revert to just a fuck buddy arrangement then he just needed to say the word rather than toy with my emotions by continuing a lie.

His response was to be expected – he said he has always been faithful to me and has never slept with another guy since seeing me (I know of two occasions where he has previously said he has and then retracted the story). He wanted to know which “cock head” I had been talking to on the dating website as the guy was lying.

So I logged on to the dating website and messaged him by saying – I’ve been talking to this cockhead… don’t try denying it as it will make it ten times worse than it already is.

Again his response was on the attack – he said that he knew it was me. He also tried to point the blame to me by accusing me of being untrustworthy by creating a fake profile to try and catch him out. His final message was simply goodbye.

My reply was simply a return goodbye.

As you would be aware by reading all my posts about my fuck buddy – I had concerns and alarm bells which I ignored because the sex was fantastic and his cuddles was the BOMB! He was literally toying with my emotions and being manipulative. It felt like he had ‘won’ the challenge of making me fall in love with him – and he was ‘finished’ with trying to please me. He had withdrawn and disconnected – my suspicions had proved completely accurate.

He was verging on being a pathological liar – he was literally cornered but continued to maintain his innocence and then try and flip it on to me. I don’t believe in that bullshit and can see straight through it (albeit there was a faint tinge of rose colour)

Yes – I admit I will miss my time with my fuck buddy heaps and heaps. I will miss the cuddles watching movies, I will miss our dinners, I will miss the sex, I will miss the massages, I will miss seeing his smile 5 times a week, I will him his gorgeous body, I will miss the together time. I will again need to cope with my single time. My fuck buddy had proved to be a crutch and a distraction to me in relation to finding Mr Right.

I knew both consciously and subconsciously that a relationship with my fuck buddy was with Mr Wrong. I persisted. I must thank my fuck buddy for educating me about bad relationships. I have awareness and I value myself not to put up with bullshit and the mind games. I deserve a good catch – a nice guy who will treat me with respect.

My gaggle has helped me through these times by lending their ears to my continual stories about my fuck buddy. This blog has also helped me to reflect on what was happening rather than being in the moment and allowing my emotions to take hold. In reflection, I had some awesome times with my fuck buddy but these certainly didn’t make up for the mind games and the bad moments.

I would like to think that my fuck buddy is feeling regret for his actions. I personally don’t think that he ever will.

 In the right environment and with the right group of people my fuck buddy would make an awesome guy. I so wanted to help him realise that he was a great person and didn’t need to be a people pleaser which was destroying his sense of self-worth. In some respects I feel like I let him down – I could have been the person that dragged him up to the real world. But I realise rather than me dragging him up – he was dragging me down.

I think it is 50/50 whether he will contact me again to try and get me back. On one hand he loves the chase and the emotional high that he would feel when he gets the ‘rabbit.’ On the other hand he might think that this rabbit has bitten him and thus will not continue the chase… So I won’t conclude by saying I will never write about my fuck buddy again…

PEP Progress

I had arranged an emergency appointment with the Sexual Health Clinic two weeks ago. I was still on the PEP but had noticed skin changes, weeping sores on my chin and an ulcer on my cheek. The first thing the Doctor said after inspecting the skin was that it could be I was sero-converting. Sero conversion is the body’s first reaction to HIV – it is fighting the HIV infection which weakens the immune system and then allows other nasties to take hold. I was freaking out – I thought it might be a simple case of herpes simplex virus.

I asked whether there were any reports of sero-conversion while on PEP. She said that she didn’t have the data. To a laymen’s mind, at the time I found it a little confusing that you could be on a drug that is fighting any potential HIV and still be sero converting.

She took all manner of tests. While she was taking them, I could not help but think how dangerous sex really is. One simple act of a condom slipping off during anal sex could cause a lifetime of trauma. It just goes to show you can never be too complacent about safe sex – it makes you re-evaluate life when confronted with the possibility that you could have contracted HIV.

I attended the clinic a week later, the results were thankfully all normal. I was completely relieved!

My next appointment is in two months - as the window for HIV is considered to be three months.

Fuck buddy – the final chapter Part 2 (yes I wasn’t finished)

Well, after telling me that he didn’t want to be my boyfriend and didn’t trust me, my fuck buddy continued to message me over the space of three days. The first day was a statement saying he knew it was over between us and that he hoped I would find a great man and that he still cared for me. The second day was that he missed me and loved me so much – he wanted to start again. The third day was that he had time to reflect on what we had between us and wanted to talk it through. I was the strong one and didn’t respond to any of these messages.

It was the fourth day that the tide turned and he arrived unannounced at my house. He knocked on the door with cake in hand. He was in tears, said that he missed me so much and wanted to see me to say that he loved me. I admit I crumbled and allowed him in.

We talked for a good two hours about what he had together, he was taken aback by my confession of love given that I had rejected his earlier confession of love. I said that I had fallen in love with him 3 weeks ago but his smoking and drinking held me back. I realised that I had still fallen for him despite these issues. He said he was uncomfortable with the boyfriend tag and that he thought things were moving too fast. I accepted this as it was a complete u-turn for me (without warning). We then followed each other to the bedroom and had the best makeup sex and fell asleep in each other’s arms.

Over the next week, my fuck buddy’s mind games begun. In conversation he would gradually call me his boyfriend and then say sorry because he knew I didn’t want to be his boyfriend (yes – a complete mind fuck). I took exception to this of course (strong willed and obstinate sometimes) I said hold on one second – that it was he that didn’t want to be boyfriends and that it was he that didn’t trust me. If anyone he was to ‘blame.’

I also felt very untrustworthy of my fuck buddy – it was Thursday night. My fuck buddy had always wanting to spend every night of the week with me. But that night he said okay I suppose I will see you Tuesday next week (a 4 night hiatus). To make matters worse he said that he was meeting up with a guy that he knew wanted to fuck him and to make matters worse to have a relationship with him. Of course he said nothing would happen.

So I turned private investigator – I knew he still had another profile on a dating website. I paid for a one month membership. I used a couple of pics from another dating website from a guy in America (he was exactly my fuck buddy’s type). I contacted him and he contacted me straight back. We chatted for a little bit – he acknowledged that he was only on the site to “get a fuck”. I felt a tingle go down my spine – I knew this wasn’t enough. I needed to catch him out and see whether he would provide an address and set up a time to fuck. This would be incontrovertible evidence of his ‘cheating ways’. I call it cheating as he continually said throughout our meets that he was committed to me, he was exclusive, he thought about me every minute of every day and that he felt ‘sickened’ about thinking about sex with another guy. I took this on face value. I knew deep down that this wasn’t the case.

Bringing you forward to this week, we went over one of his friend’s places for dinner (a straight couple). He was stoned and slightly drunk when I arrived to pick him up. So we went to dinner. It proved to be a most interesting night (interesting is not really the word for it though). During the main course my fuck buddy was trying to crack on to the husband – yes I mean full on – saying that he obviously had a big cock and that he would totally go there. The husband was completely gobsmacked. I tried to ask my fuck buddy to shut up and not make a fool out of himself – but alas he continued drinking.

It came to the end of the night, my fuck buddy went into the toilet. He was completely smashed so I held him up when he went to the toilet. He was playing funny buggers and started to piss all over the toilet seat, on me and on the floor. Tried as I might – he wouldn’t ‘aim.’ I started mopping up the copious amounts of urine on the toilet. When my fuck buddy snapped – he demanded that I stop cleaning up. When I ignored him, he literally grabbed my arms, shook me and said to stop it now. He had fire in his eyes. I felt like that if I pressed the situation any further that he would be physically violent towards me. Then he wanted me to kiss him. I said no and tried to get out of the toilet – lucky it had two doors...

He came out and yelled at me that I was a cunt, that it was over between us and never do that again to him. I turned the hostess aside and apologised profusely for the actions of my fuck buddy and for the flood in the toilet. I admired her composure when I told her this.

The hostess drove us home since we had caught a taxi. During the ride home, my fuck buddy kept trying to kiss me and be affectionate, he also said that he wanted to be fucked hard by me tonight (it was too late for that). We arrived at his place, I walked him into the house. I then said okay I’m going home and started to leave. He immediately got the fire in his eyes grabbed my arms as if to keep me from leaving. I shoved him back on to the couch, he got up again and started towards me, I shoved him again on the couch. I finally exited the door, started the car, locked the door, and drove off towards home.

I thought this would be the prime opportunity to catch him out with my private investigative skills. I logged on to the dating website. Low and behold – my fuck buddy was online. I messaged him asking how his day went. His response was I need a really hard fuck right now and invited me over. I asked for his address which he readily gave up. I said I would be over in 20 minutes… I had him – I had the evidence to prove that my fuck buddy was the lying scum of the earth that I suspected many weeks ago.

I felt sick – I felt silly that I had allowed my emotions to take hold and to control my big head. I subconsciously knew this guy was bad for me. My gaggle knew it all too well and advised me not to see him again weeks ago. But I persisted. Why? It felt good to be in his arms – it felt superb to have regular intimacy with someone.

It has been three days since the incident… not one message from my fuck buddy… In some ways I feel sad that my fuck buddy hasn’t tried to message an apology or try and mend what he had done that night (might be because he was too drunk and stoned to remember). I am resolutely not messaging him as a first contact.  I secretly hope he will try and contact me again – I want to say something to the effect of “Well – I finally hear from you – have you finally realised that the fucks you are getting are just that (yes I know what you have been up to) – they don’t respect you – they don’t say I love you – they don’t stay the night – they don’t cuddle watching movies. I hope you find what you are looking for. Goodbye”

I suppose I could be more cutting – I want him to feel regret rather than anger. But I acknowledge that he is unlikely to feel regret or remorse. He will just continue slutting himself to all and then when he is older finally look back and see himself what he truly was…

Well now that my fuck buddy is not monopolising my time – I will update my blog a little more regularly!

A 26 Hour Relationship with my Fuck Buddy

Well I had come to the conclusion that I was in a relationship with my fuck buddy whether I liked it or not. Spending 5 nights a week together was definitely more than a mates with benefits arrangement. We obviously had chemistry it was clear we had a spark. So I made the decision to confess my feelings for my fuck buddy and see where it leads.

I brought flowers for him to commemorate the occasion (I had already assessed whether he liked flowers or not – some guys do not – he certainly did). I gave him the flowers. He asked why I was giving him flowers. I said that I wanted to make tonight special as I loved him and I would love to call him my boyfriend. It looked like he melted with those words, he had a huge smile and said that’s awesome and then kissed me passionately.

Later that night as we were cuddling in bed, we began to discuss kids etc (yes I know it is a little soon – he brought up the subject and I took full advantage of trying to assess where this relationship could head). We both agreed we would make fantastic fathers. In my previous relationship I would not even contemplate having kids, but with my fuck buddy I could imagine kids and how we would bring them up. He gave a comment about when we both turn 50 and looking back at all our previous boyfriends. I made the comment that “you never know we could still be together then” – he quickly replied with “don’t be silly baby – I certainly wouldn’t want to spend that long with a guy – fucking the same hole – would you”. I was a little taken aback as why someone would want kids in a relationship if they couldn’t see the relationship continuing for a long while. It sounded like he was treating kids as an animal – that he would have one and I would have one. It gave me great insight in what was going through his head and the fact that this relationship was only probably going to be a summer fling and not a long term relationship.

The next night, we had a couple of drinks at the local pub and then progressed on to a gay establishment. We had a good night, playing pool and having a few quiet ones. I could sense he was a little sloshed as his ability to play pool was greatly impaired. At one point, he blamed me for loosing and voiced that he was upset. I wasn’t going to have a bar of it and just said bull shit I am not a good pool player and you wanted me to be your partner – you need to take responsibility.

We were driving home in the car, and he was saying that it was really weird me saying I loved him. So I asked why... He said he totally unexpected my confession of love and was taken aback that I wanted him to be my boyfriend. So I asked him straight out whether he wanted to be my boyfriend... To which he replied he loved me but didn't want to be my boyfriend but still wanted to hang out.

The final straw came when he said that he didn't trust me... I tried to pin point the why but he just made it worse and said how on earth could I trust you. I was shocked. So I said well then that's it. I'll drive you home and say our goodbyes. He didn't fucken realize the impact of that statement in a relationship context. How could you love someone but not trust them?

He burst out crying and kept on asking me whether I was upset. To which I replied I'm taking you home that's all I'm going to say. I wanted to chuck him out of my car right there and then - I was fuming. He back pedalled faster than an otter and said I'm sorry I do trust you. But that was just him trying to salvage the situation.

I didn't look at him once in the car. We got to his place and he wouldn't hop out. He kept on asking why I was doing it to him. I said if you don't know why then it is no use explaining it to you.

He said that I had provided a valuable lesson to him to never love and trust another guy. That seriously hurt given that I had just confessed my love to him just over 24 hours ago. I said that's bullshit if anything you had provided me a lesson to not fall in love with someone, not to trust what that person is saying in terms of loving me.

I still was not looking at him. He said well if this is our last goodbye then at least look at him. When I looked at him, he looked miserable and frightened - with tears streaming down his cheeks. He gave me a kiss... I closed my mouth. He said he did love me... Then he changed it to do love me. I just simply said goodbye.

Am I going to contact him? No

Am I going to reply to his messages of apology? No

The final chapter with my fuck buddy turned boyfriend turned ex-boyfriend is at end. So my hesitation in having boyfriend status with this guy was fully justified. I tried - for it to last just over 24 hours is totally fucked.

Chefette continues to be unresponsive – the final chapter

Well I was to meet up with Chefette again for Sunday. However, I received a text message late afternoon saying that we couldn’t catch up tonight and to reschedule to Tuesday. I said that was fine.

I was surprised to receive no reason for the change of plans. I would have expected that he would provide an excuse or reason for the change of plans. This was a little concerning as he was not sharing his plans with me. I got the sense that he was pulling away. This was probably a good thing, as I was going to have a chat with him when we next caught up to ask whether he was interested or whether he was just going with the flow. It seemed like we were more mates than dating…

Me and my fuck buddy caught up Monday night for True Blood night, but we were both too interested in talking and fell asleep in each other’s arms as opposed to watching the show. I felt more of a connection with my fuck buddy than I did with Chefette. So I messaged Chefette and gave a  very plausible excuse for not catching up that night and asked if he was free later in the week. I also tried to give him a call after work to apologise and see how he was going. It is now Saturday and have not received one message, one bit of communication from Chefette.

I had given him all the options, he was a little cash strapped so I said just give me a ring and I would give him a call back. I also gave him my facebook and MSN details. There was literally no excuse to not communicate.

So this morning, I have texted him and stated “in the interests of closure… It was nice to meet him and wished him all the best for the future.” I don’t expect to receive a reply, it seems like he is avoidant in that he wants to avoid confrontations or discussions. So that’s the final chapter for Chefette.

Backlog - Update

Well apologies to all, it has been a while since my last update. So this post aims to clear the backlog :)

Well two weekends ago I spent Friday and Saturday nights with my fuck buddy. We were still talking about the volcano incident. He was upset when I walked out on him and never wanted to feel that way again. I reiterated that he had the right to spend time with anyone that he wanted as i had the right to remove myself from people that I didn’t want to associate with. It was more that he didn’t acknowledge my choice to not associate with them than anything else.

Apparently, I have pissed off his neighbour. His neighbour seems to be grumpy with me for whatever reason. He thinks I’m a ‘spoilt brat’, ‘controlling’, a ‘freeloader’, and an ‘obnoxious arrogant person.’ Its interesting to hear other peoples perspective of how they perceive you. Growing up in state housing in a lower socio-economic suburb with fanatical religious parents does not lend itself to becoming a spoilt brat. In fact my experiences have grounded me, made me stronger as a person. I acknowledge that I am a little bit of a snob – but lets face facts – I could have ended up as white trash with my background – instead I excelled at school and went to university – I made me – I wasn’t satisfied with the cards that life had dealt me and I did something about it – everyone has the opportunity to do the same.

I am a little opinionated and love a good heated discussion about politics, religion, boat people and all the topics that one should never discuss in polite company. I say what I think and have very reasoned logical responses to back up what Im saying. Some may call this obnoxious and arrogant. I consider it as having a spark, I’m not going to just go with the status quo – I tried that with hiding my sexuality – I’m not going to hide who I am or hide my opinions.

It was interesting Saturday night as during the day he had one of his fuck buddy’s round for drinks. Apparently the visitor had wanted to fuck around with my fuck buddy. As we were meeting that night, my fuck buddy was uncomfortable and refused. The visitor was upset at this refusal as my fuck buddy had never refused a fuck before. It was a little bit of an ego boost for me but troubling at the same time. My fuck buddy said that he knows that we are not exclusive but it didn’t feel right.

The visitor knew that I was coming round that night. When we left to go out for dinner, the visitor messaged to say how long my fuck buddy would be as he wanted to come round again… I said to my fuck buddy that he obviously wanted to fuck after I had left… he probably wasn’t aware that I would be sleeping over with my fuck buddy. When we got home, the visitor was asleep in my fuck buddy’s bed as the neighbour had let him in. My fuck buddy instantly knew that I would not tolerate it and was ‘upset’ that his visitor did not get the hint to stay away. I just simply said he had two choices, 1) eject him from the house and spend the night with me 2) I would leave.  There was no third option. Some may say that this is controlling… however I am not pushing for either option – I am just giving my fuck buddy the choice. If I was in a relationship there would be no options. My fuck buddy chose the first option…

Had a first date with a guy for morning tea today, he was one of those guys that look photogenic but sadly an unfortunate sight in reality. His skin was pocketed, his teeth were yellow and simply awful – he was a grinder and had grinded down a significant portion of this teeth. The first 45 minutes were all talking about him, his life and experiences, he was name dropping left right and centre. It appeared like his life was defined by the people he had met. It was only during the last 10 minutes that he seemed to show any interest in me – albeit a forced cursory enquiry into my life. He was uneducated, hadn’t completed Year 12, was hyperactive and couldn’t sit still. Thank goodness I had said that I had lunch with a mate as this was my exit strategy. I politely said that it was time for me to go and that it was nice to meet him – no talk about meeting up again on both sides… he obviously got the drift… he had insight unlike the McDonald’s manager.

I met up with Chefette for a movie night for the 7^th date, it was nice enough. My feelings about the lack of connection with Chefette are continuing. We just didn't seem to have the spark. We seemed great on paper - similar interests, he had boyish good looks and a great sense of humour. The next date with Chefette on Thursday night went well. I actually met his mother, and we had a good chat about things one does not usually discuss on a first meet - politics and religion... (needless to say I was in my element and the conversation flowed well.

I continued to see my fuck buddy for about 5 consecutive nights for the next few weeks...

XXX Post – My First Face Fuck

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Fuck Buddy – the talk after the volcano

The volcano turns dormant…

So I went over to my fuck buddy’s place for a talk about what happened last time we met. When I entered the place my fuck buddy looked very contrite. He didn’t have the bubbly personality which he usually had. When I went into the kitchen, he pulled me closer and said sorry and then hugged me tightly. He said he never wants to make me feel that way again. I accepted his apology.

I also said to him, that my reaction was not about them being your friends but about him trying to make me socialise with them when he knew that I was uncomfortable. He accepted this and knew where I was coming from. We spent a very pleasurable night together… I stayed the night snuggling with my fuck buddy – life was good.

Fuck Buddy – the day after the volcano + Sixth date with Chefette

Well I had been waiting for a message from my fuck buddy the next day. I received it in the middle of the afternoon asking whether I was still pissed at him. I replied that I was still pissed off at him. He then apologised and said he was sorry and that he hoped that I would stop being mad at him as he had been upset all day. I thanked him for the apology and suggested that we should spend the night apart. He said that he understood and that if I changed my mind to give him a call.

I realise that they are his friends, and as we are not in a relationship it is totally inappropriate for me to put any limits what so ever on whom he sees and what he does. However, I do have the right to say who I want to spend time with.

I had arranged to spend the night with Chefette watching movies at his pad. We watched two horror flicks which were great. I was beginning to feel more of a connection with him which was a positive sign. I slept over the night  and then set my alarm early. He of course being in between jobs didn’t need to get up. I got dressed and kissed him goodbye.

It was that night that I got a goodnight message from my fuck buddy saying that he missed our cuddles and again hope that I wasn’t mad at him. I said that I needed time and to lock in True Blood night… yes I’m going over there again tonight. I will have to have a talk with my fuck buddy.

It seems like I’m on a runaway train with the knowledge that the end of the line is coming up ahead. I just can’t (or in fact won’t) jump off the train before the crash occurs. I know its going to hurt, I know the devastation that will result. Call me stupid, call me an idiot, call me simple… I just can’t jump off the train just yet! Well at least its making a good story...

Fuck buddy – Revealed – the Volcano Erupts…

Well I had planned to spend time with my fuck buddy tonight, but I'm early writing this post as apparently he had other plans. I write this post moving to the tunes of ‘Forget You’ and listening to dance music. Cortisone is running through my veins at a mile per hour. I’m physically shaking... so what happened?

It all started out as a normal night, it was dinner with fuck buddy and his neighbour. Apparently he had invited some friends over for dinner. This itself was not an issue as it was interesting to see my fuck buddy interact with his friends. We went to get some beer from the local bottle shop, on the way back we stopped into his friends place (the people that were supposed to be coming round for dinner).

I walked into a first floor unit, upon entry I could see that the inhabitants were deros (Aussie slang for white trash). The place hadn’t been cleaned in weeks, the carpets were stained as far as the eye could see. The coffee table was chockers full of open beer bottles and full cigarette trays. The white trash inhabitant of the unit was stoned off his face. I felt immediately uncomfortable being in the unit. It didn’t help that when we got out of the car, my fuck buddy said that I need to protect him as the guys wanted to fuck him as they were previous fucks and thought he had a cute ass… WTF – my jealously was coming to the surface! – my reservations about having a relationship with my fuck buddy were being crystallised before my eyes.

I was there about 10 minutes before the white trash inhabitant offered to light up a joint. My skin was crawling, my anxiety levels had reached to the space beyond. My fuck buddy as always said “are you okay” and of course expected a yes from me. I said no I’m not okay and I would be leaving him to have ‘fun’ with his friends. I instantly walked out to the car and started it up. As I was reversing out, my fuck buddy opened my door and tried to talk me into staying (I stupidly had not locked it).

I said I was uncomfortable and could not stand to be in the place for another second. I admitted I was an absolute snob and don’t relate to those type of people. I said I was a lawyer and never associated with these type of people. He then asked why I was with him, I replied that he was not like them. He had a clean house and didn’t live in filth. I said to him go back and party which he obviously wanted to do. He said that there is no other person that he wanted to spend time with than me (big ego boost!). I told him to hop in the car if he thought that way – which he did. Whilst driving to his place, he got a message from the white trash inhabitant saying that they were obviously not coming for dinner.

When we got to his place, we proceeded to start cooking dinner. It was then that he came up to me, and reassured me that everything was going to be okay. He then asked that I talk with him before storming out. I apologised and said that I promised to talk with him before leaving again. He said he was both proud of me but also peeved. When I asked why he was proud he could not express why. It was then that he ask that I don’t freak out. I said I’m not freaking out now. He then said that the white trash inhabitant and his friends were coming over. I was instantly peeved, I was pissed, my blood was boiling, my anxiety had gone off the scales, I erupted like a volcano. I said well in that case I was leaving, he tried to push me back in my chair and reassure me. I physically shoved him out the way, I just simply said “I told you.”

As I left the door gave a satisfactory slam. I was expecting him to chase after me so I locked the car doors as soon as I got in the car. As I drove off, I saw him on the verge waving me back, I continued to drive on.

So he just proved where his loyalties lie – to his friends – not to the person that he apparently is ‘madly in love with.’ He is a true people pleaser – he likes to please his friends… So much for wanting to spend time with me...

I got a sense of what a relationship would be like with my fuck buddy – it would be impossible to please everyone – it is likely that I would take second place to his desire to please his friends.

P.S. – I’m still pissed after writing this post…

Fuck Buddy – it’s happened

Well it happened… my fuck buddy messaged me and begged me to come over (literally). I messaged back asking whether his feelings had changed, the fact that I didn’t want to lead him on. He asked whether I had missed him which I truthfully replied in the affirmative. He said he just wanted me to be comfortable and that whatever happens he still wants to remain friends. I confess that I had butterflies in my stomach when I got his message.

After all my talk of not being cruel, evil and nasty – I granted his request and drove over with a smile on my face. As I said before I’m a little head strong. My gaggle was completely against the idea of me seeing my fuck buddy again. They were concerned that I would fall deeper in love with him and him fall deeper in love with me. One of my overseas gaggle asked the question that if I was in love with my fuck buddy then why not see if it could work… This line of reasoning I think is dangerous territory. First off one of my key requirements in a potential mate is a non-smoker and a non-alcoholic – he was both of these.  I have to keep my head above water and think with my big head rather than my little head – otherwise I could get sucked into a relationship which I should not have got sucked into. I acknowledge that I have already sunk in knee deep as I have fallen in love with him.

I can’t explain the immense satisfaction that I get when I am in his arms. The feeling of safety, the warmth, the love that I get from him sends me crazy (its like a drug).

I know that it is going to end badly, I know that my actions are speaking louder than my words, I know that some people would think its cruel that I continue to see him knowing how he feels about me. However, we are both adults, we know how each other feels, I have made it crystal clear to my fuck buddy. 

He told me he was upset that I hadn’t contacted him all through the week, it apparently took all his reserves not to message me. I merely replied that I  was following what he had wanted – he wanted space and I gave him space. I said he was in control of when he wanted to see me again as he was the one that had the feelings.

I know that my actions in seeing him and continuing ‘cuddle time’ is showing my fuck buddy that I had feelings for him… it was plainly obvious to his neighbour that I had developed feelings for him as he had commented numerous times that me and him had a connection and that my fuck buddy was a great guy.

So where am I off to tonight I hear you ask? – I can sense the groans coming from my readers – I’m a little ashamed but hey I’ve told you the chocolate milkshake story so there no holding back now – I’m off to my fuck buddy’s…

Chefette – Fifth Date a success

Fifth date with chefette went well. Chefette is a keen karaoke singer so after the movies we headed to a local bar. Chefette sung two songs. He was the most confident singer on the stage that night. I couldn’t help but think that he was the cutest guy there. The fact that he was a confident singer just added to his appeal.

Chefette’s communication is better since we had out chat. He is far more responsive. That night we exchanged driver's licence – I had an ulterior motive as wanted to find out his last name and his birthday. With the information in hand I facebook stalked him. I was surprised to find that his privacy settings were not set thus had full access to his posts and photos. I noticed one comment which struck a cord. The post was a message saying he had been out of credit and wasn’t able to respond to texts. This made me feel a little more comfortable about accepting his explanation about not contacting me.

The question is could Chefette be the one? I think it’s a little too early to tell just yet J

No word from Fuck Buddy

Well I haven't heard from my fuck buddy at all since our last meet. I must admit I'm a little surprised by the strength of my fuck buddy in not messaging me. It was True Blood night on Monday - for the last six weeks we would have been cuddling watching the television series and imagining Eric naked.

I was speaking with Ms P over lunch on Tuesday and came to the difficult conclusion that I was 'in love' with my fuck buddy despite my big head identifying all his faults. I have been thinking about him every day. I secretly hoped that he would send me a message... but even if he did, I’m not sure how I would/should respond.

The general consensus of my gaggle is that it would be impossible to change the dynamic to just a fuck an go arrangement as it is likely feelings would surface again (both my feelings for him and his feelings for me). I tend to agree with this position. This means I should be cautious about accepting an invite to his place even after the agreed two weeks have ended. If you haven’t figured it out whilst reading my blog, I am a little head strong so may just take up the offer and see where it heads...

I wonder what is going through my fuck buddy’s mind. I presume that he is very upset that I haven’t tried to contact him. This is for the best as he is more able to disconnect emotionally from me and allows me to clear my head.

Chefette – Fourth Date

So I had bitten the bullet and had agreed to go to chefette’s place for a catchup.

It was a little awkward given the messages we had exchanged earlier. We watched a couple of movies together, he was being a little stand offish and was not really connecting physically like we previously had. When we went to bed, we got talking about the messages.

He said he was irritated about how I could ‘flip’ and described me as erratic which has made him ‘wary’ of me.

I explained that I was also irritated that he had not been communicative as I had expected. I explained that after two calls Friday and a text message that I would have expected a response sooner than he had provided. It made me feel that he was not interested in me. So this explained why I had lost interest as I was mirroring his apparent loss of interest.

He repeated that he didn’t have mobile credit and that I was making incorrect assumptions. I assumed that he was allowed to use his parent’s phone – he said his parents don’t like him using their phone. I said that the only reason I was making assumptions is that I was getting no feedback or information from him. Now that he had explained himself and corrected my assumptions I was more comfortable in his feelings toward me.

He accused me of guarding my emotions and prematurely disconnecting from a person when everything got too hard. I said this was unfair, I did show that I was keen through the phone calls and text message. The only reason I wanted to disconnect was his unresponsiveness.

He asked why I had agreed to come over given that I was adamant that I had lost interest. I said that I was giving him the benefit of the doubt and I owed it to myself to hear his side of the story before making a break.

He said that he understood where I was coming from, but I don’t think he truly got it. I think that he is one of those people that just doesn’t get the whole return communication thing.

We did have a very pleasant night – we slept in till 1:00pm the next day (a little short of the last date – but still a mammoth 18 hours). Our parting hug and kiss was the most intimate yet and we both agreed that we would catch up again… I’m not entirely satisfied that he truly understood my position but we shall see what the fifth date brings to the table.

Fuck Buddy – the end of cuddle time?

I begin writing this post with a hint of sadness… Why you ask? Well last night was the fifth consecutive night I had stayed over my fuck buddy’s house. Yes again – I confess my actions were speaking louder than my words. I was deeply fond of my fuck buddy, but my brain was telling me steer clear. I had a couple of times had to resist the urge to say those fateful words “I love you” (it was exceptionally hard but I knew that if I uttered those words there would be no going back).

He had cooked every night – although we didn’t fuck every night. We had a connection and he consistently said that he had never felt this way toward another guy for a long long time. Although every night I have found out something new about my fuck buddy which has strengthened my conviction that he is not relationship material.

As we cuddled in each other’s arms last night, he said that he felt safe and secure in my arms. I reassured him that he had nothing to fear and that I felt safe and secure in his arms. He said that he would never let anyone hurt me and would ‘beat’ the person to a pulp until death if they ever touched a finger on me.

The most upsetting story I have heard come from the lips of my fuck buddy was that he was beaten by one his ex. His ex had smashed his face in until he bleed and got a bloody nose. This occurred a couple of times. He said that he obviously had deserved it and didn’t lift one finger in self-defence. As explained in my prior posts, my fuck buddy is a people pleaser. But to not lift a finger in self defence is taken people pleasing to a whole new level. I felt saddened that someone would beat such a beautiful person (although recognising that this story is his perception of events). I felt sickened that my fuck buddy would somehow blame himself for such abuse. I began to understand that my fuck buddy had exceptionally low self esteem to subject himself to such abuse (alarm bells). I tried to explain that physical abuse is never ever okay and I would never do such a thing to my enemy let alone my lover. My comments were falling on deaf ears.

I talked about my plans for the weekend and said that I was catching up with a mate on Saturday night (i.e. to talk with chefette). He instantly assumed that I was going over there to fuck my mate (this was true but when someone says mate one should not automatically assume that it was for a fuck – I mean I don’t automatically assume that every guy my fuck buddy sees is for a fuck – although this has some element of truth to it). He struggled to breath and went into this trance of deep breathing. This had happened a couple of times before. I recognised that this was my fuck buddy controlling his anger. He confessed he was upset and sickened that I would fuck around. I could just imagine what would happen if I was in a relationship with my fuck buddy and he caught someone checking me out (there would be hell to pay – alarm bells ringing).

Later on in the night, he asked what we were doing. I said that we were enjoying each other’s company. He then broke down, he hugged me tighter. He said that he was going to say something and that he didn’t want me to freak out and be upset. He said that he was ‘madly in love with me’, he said that every time he saw me he fell deeper in love with me. He said that he had never felt this way toward another guy. He wanted me to be his boyfriend and to grow old together. He loved my looks, my personality, the way I fuck and everything about me. (too many alarm bells for words.

He kind of contradicted himself as he also said that he has gone through these intense relationships with other guys but he quickly got over them in 3 to 4 weeks. Me and my fuck buddy had been seeing each other for 6 weeks. This caused huge alarm evacuation bells for me. If I did utter those fateful “I love you” words, it is likely that my fuck buddy would then withdraw and disconnect. The fact that I didn’t utter those words was more of a challenge to him. Of course, this probably would have taken its toll on my emotions. I’m so glad that I controlled my feelings for my fuck buddy and recognised that it was a man crush as opposed to true love.

He then said that we can’t do this anymore (meaning cuddle and sleeping over), if I wanted to him again it would only be as a fuck buddy – as in have a couple of drinks and then fuck and go – it was hurting him that I was doing relationship things such as cuddling and being intimate without sex but not reciprocating his love. He said that he needed to not see me for a while (2 weeks), and that after that we would just be fuck buddies and nothing more.

He asked me for my thoughts, and I had to say that I was a little sad, that I enjoyed his company and that I was sorry I was not able to show him the love that he was showing me. I felt a little cheap and dirty for continuing seeing him and knowing deep down inside that he loved me.

It come out that he had organised to go out the next night – his quest was to find a bottom to fuck (he was so disappointed that I wouldn’t bottom for him – he loved my arse and thought it was criminal that a top would have a gorgeous ass like mine). He said that he would be thinking of me when he fucked and would find it difficult to not message me over the next 2 weeks.

As a person once said to me, love is a drug as it stimulates the same centres of the brain when you are on a drug high. My fuck buddy was trying to go cold turkey. I suspect that my fuck buddy will try and communicate with me over the next 2 weeks. He needed his fix of me… but I can’t fall into the same trap again and reply back - knowing how he truly feels about me - I can't be that cruel.

I can’t really explain what I had with my fuck buddy, it was clearly something way more than a fuck buddy or mates with benefits arrangement. The time we shared with each other was fantastic. It was like a pseudo relationship. I mean seriously, we were acting like we were in a relationship by seeing each other for five consecutive nights. I must confess I am thinking about what it would be like to be in a relationship with my fuck buddy. I believe that we would have fantastic times, but we would also have very low points where my fuck buddy’s emotions would flip.

So, I’m back on the wagon – my time is not going to be monopolised by my fuck buddy (although I really liked it) – being intimate with my fuck buddy has made me re-evaluate what I want from my life. Yes, good ole “no strings attached” (“NSA”) is fantastic but those moments when my fuck buddy held me in his arms were more pleasurable for me than a mere fuck. I will definitely miss my cuddle time with my fuck buddy…

P.S. Apologies for the long post…

Chefette update – The switch was not flicked - HE LIVES!

It has taken chefette over 4 days to respond to my text message. During this time, I had seen him login to MANHUNT. He messaged saying that he has now got mobile credit and was wondering how I was going. I replied to him thanking him for the message but saying I was not interested in catching up with him again, I wished him all the best in whatever he is looking for. I had sent this message just before I was going to my fuck buddy’s for the fifth consecutive night.

He replied about 15 minutes later (when I was at my fuck buddy’s house) asking why? I said that I am not interested in the chase, that I had lost interest and that I had expected a return call from my calls on Friday and definitely expected a return SMS for my message on Monday. I also indicated that I had seen him login to MANHUNT. I said I was not clingy but expected a reasonable amount of return communication.

He obviously didn’t understand where I was coming from, he was surprised that I could just suddenly change and that I was the first person he texted after he got mobile credit. He was accusing me of overreacting as he said that I knew he had no credit. He said that we should be mates at least. As I was at my fuck buddy’s I couldn’t instantly reply to his messages. He then tried to call me, but I booted him off to voicemail. One cannot have a conversation about communication with a guy in front of a fuck buddy (especially as this was to be the night where my fuck buddy opened up his feelings toward me). My fuck buddy was also feeling a little jealous that I was texting someone on my phone.

I texted chefette and said that I was at a dinner party, that I wasn’t ignoring him and that I would return his call tomorrow. When I called him the next day, we arranged to meet up at his place.

From my point of view, I don’t understand how someone can be so uncommunicative after a 20+ hour date. Chefette obviously had time to login to MANHUNT and continue his search for eligible bachelors. I am not upset that he has continued to source dates and chat with guys on MANHUNT, I was disappointed that he made the time to login to a site but not give me the time of day in responding to a SMS. I mean there are online sites that allow you to send FREE SMS…

After discussing these developments with one of my gaggle overseas, she made the point that not all people are communicative and have the same expectations as others. This does not show that the other person is not interested, rather that they don’t feel the need to return the communication. She recalled my words to her when a friend of hers didn’t give a wedding gift to her. The friend has MC’d at the night but had not provided a wedding gift. She was deeply upset as she considered him a good friend and felt like he didn’t feel the same way about her. I had said that maybe he thought that MC’ing the night was his gift to her. I asked the question whether she valued her friendship with him more than a wedding gift. When taken in this context, she agreed that she valued the friendship more than a material gift. She wanted me to know that some people have different views on communication. I take the moral of the story (after all I was the person that said it!), but this still doesn’t excuse how his lack of communication has made me feel.

It seems like I’m stuck in another situation where I have to define my feelings very early on in the dating situation (after the 3^rd date). My own expectations are that if you like someone that much you would try and do everything in your capacity to return communication.

We shall see whether the talk tonight calms by feelings…

Day 10 of PEP

Its been 10 days since I started my post exposure prophalyxis ("PEP") treatment. I'm still shitting acid... My Doctor was very pleased that I had no other side effects from the PEP Treatment.

I just wish that the most useful side effect of decreased appetite would appear so I can loose that five kilos that doesnt want to budge around my non existent six pack ;)

Lunch Time Date with a wet rag... Uninspiring - 2/5 on the Date Scale

Had a lunch time date today with a wet rag. He had messaged me on GRINDR and we got chatting. He seemed nice enough he was after mates and dates as was I.

From the outset he was very uninteresting, he was 27 had only had two relationships one six months and the other 2 years. It's a wonder that he achieved that long as he was like talking to a brick wall.

His conversation was stunted always expected me to lead the conversation. Which didnt work as everything I said he only responded with no more than a sentence.

He hadn't travelled overseas. He didn't have any plans for the weekend...

He had a double degree in Arts and Education. My regular readers will know what I think about guys having an Arts degree! Meeting this guy only proved my theory... People with Arts degrees have no spark and lack intelligence (jk).

So back to the drawing board I go... Trying to find that special someone which ticks most of the boxes. My fuck buddy is looking better and better as a potential partner (tongue in cheek).

Fuck Buddy Update - How can you have a relationship with only one partner being exclusive?

Well since we agreed to continue seeing each other as fuck buddys, I feel he has continued to fall deeper in love with me.

Last night when I met him (Sunday), I learned that he was upset that I had not messaged him since we last met (Thursday).  This was easily explainable as I was outside mobile coverage. He also said that he seriously missed me during the weekend and was elated when I had messaged him saying the weekend was great and that I was back in Perth. I think you’ll agree that this conversation was more of a relationship talk than a fuck buddy talk.

He repeatedly said that he loved me but always added ‘only as mates’. He recognised how much the word ‘love’ meant to me and didn’t want to freak me out. He reassured me that he had no feelings for me other than fuck buddys.

This was subsequently proved incorrect. He was talking about his weekend and had met a couple of his mates on the Friday. I had met one the guys before, you may recall the guy I referred to as his ‘previous fuck’ who I had suspicions about and had ejected from my fuck buddy’s house. Another guy was also there, he had talked about this one particular guy before, he was another person who had ‘fuck buddy’ status who he has shagged for about six years. He told his new fuck buddy about me. He said that his fuck buddy got very jealous as my fuck buddy had NEVER spoken about another guy like he had about me. He even confessed that the guy was ready to beat me up until my fuck buddy calmed him down…

Later on in the night, the ‘previous fuck’ and the ‘fuck buddy’ got it on in my fuck buddy’s bedroom (you still with me?). When my fuck buddy walked in, they asked him to join. Apparently my fuck buddy declined as he was not in the mood.

On another night that weekend he had his ex over for a drink and chat. To cut the story short, the ex also wanted to have a fuck with my fuck buddy. It was at this point in the story that my fuck buddy stated that he was exclusive to me and that he didn’t want to fuck around with anyone else. But he also said that he was okay with me not being exclusive and was happy that I was fucking around. Yes, I’ll repeat that for full effect - my fuck buddy indicated that he was exclusive to me.

This sounded more and more like a relationship talk. I so wanted him to just come out and say that he fucked some guys on the weekend, I would have been extremely happy! It was like I was in a pressure cooker, with the pressure slowly building up to a crescendo that was not likely to pop anytime soon. I think that my fuck buddy feels like we are in some sort of open relationship – albeit a relationship in his head.

I reiterated to him that we are mates who like to fuck. I think it is now falling on deaf ears…

I enjoy being in his company, but again he is not relationship material. He is not going to monopolise my emotions and my activities for his full enjoyment. I am still happy seeing him. I am just so cautious about not hurting his feelings…

I would ask my readers to consider the question “should I end it with my fuck buddy” but I am afraid I’m not ready to hear the answer…

PEP Update

Well it is Day 6 of my PEP treatment. I am happy to report that there has been minimal side effects. The first couple of days it felt like I was swallowing a golf ball about half way down my esophagus.

the only noticeable side effect that has lasted to Day 6 is that my bowel motions feel like acid. Yes that's right... it feels like I'm shitting acid. Not the most pleasant side effect but  I feel great that it is not the long list of serious side effects that it could have been.

I have my checkup with the Sexual Health doctor tomorrow to pick up the rest of the prescription and do the full sexual health check (consisting of swabbing the mouth, penis and ass, urine test and bloods). Wish me luck that I don't have anything untoward like chlamydia, gonnarhea, syphilis, anal warts, herpes... YUCK!

Chefette update – the long wait

I don’t know what it is about chefette – something is amiss. He had to go back to his previous work to finish off a few things which was 3 hours away. We had originally scheduled to catch up on Thursday but he was too knackered to catch up after making the return journey. He immediately phoned me upon his return to rain check. I had atrocious mobile reception so we kept on cutting out so I offered to call him the next day.

I called him twice the next day but there was no return call. I did not leave a voicemail. When we originally met, he said he was not a phone person and didn’t listen to voicemails. He preferred direct talk. I took this onboard thinking it was a little strange at the time.

I was away for the weekend and didn’t have mobile reception so didn’t know whether he called. But the mobile carrier I am with (Optus) would send an SMS with the number if someone called through to voicemail but didn’t leave a message. I had no such SMS upon my return to mobile reception so could only assume he didn’t even try to return my call or hung up before the voicemail started. I think any reasonable person would assume the former.

As you could imagine it is a little frustrating when people make the effort to contact you but the receiver does not make the same effort to return the contact. This is particularly so given that it is with a potential partner. Maybe it’s just me but I expect more in a dating context than a friend context especially during the first couple of weeks of dating!

I just cannot understand why you spend 21 hours with someone and then play the game of not returning calls or messages. It is mind blowing. You wouldn’t spend 21 hours with someone if you didn’t enjoy their company.

This isn’t the first time that I have had to wait for chefette to respond… I hate ‘chasing’ contact with my dates as it can be seen as clingy and put them off. God knows that it puts me off! I have done my fair share of chasing chefette, I have sent one last SMS to him saying I tried to call and was out of coverage on the weekend if he had tried to return my call. I also said the days im free this week if he wants to catch up again. This will be the final SMS, if I don’t get a response to this message today then the ‘chase’ is over as he is obviously either not interested or a total rude prick. I’m not going to buy into the whole 'lost my phone' or 'run out of credit' excuses again…

It’s unfortunate because the time we had together was comfortable and fantastic… its strange how someone can just flick a switch and avoid returning contact. We shall wait and see whether the switch has been truly flicked.