Fuck Buddy Breakup

It has been an eventful couple of days with Mr Complicated. After the defining the relationship talk, Mr Complicated had continued to increase the relationship talk.

He said that he loved me without qualification and that he fell in love me at first sight. Personally I don’t believe in love at first sight. I do believe that you can have a man crush on the first date, but love needs a deeper connection and this only develops over time. I think that he did develop such a connection to fall in love with me. I had fucked up – although my words were saying I didn’t want a relationship my actions of sleeping over and intimate cuddling while watching DVDs were sending the wrong message. Mr Complicated even wanted me to meet his brother.

To me, coming out a long term relationship, the three words of ‘I love you’ mean a hell of a lot. I wouldn’t want to say it to a potential boyfriend unless I was absolutely sure that he felt the same way and that I felt that way.

I admit I did have feelings for Mr Complicated, but I think these feelings stemmed from a feeling of loneliness and missing the intimate moments with that someone special. I also admit I felt comfortable and secure with Mr Complicated. These feelings fell short of love. I could have said that I love Mr Complicated and continued on my merry way. This would not have been fair to Mr Complicated, he was a nice genuine guy and I didn’t want to be known as the bad guy.

My gaggle were unanimous in saying that I should break up with Mr Complicated as it would hurt him if it continued.

That afternoon I noticed that Mr Complicated had read my profile again, my profile stated that I was after someone who knows what he wants and is sorted. When I went over there that night, Mr Complicated confronted me with the question that I had dreaded. He asked whether I was truly interested in a relationship with him. I felt sick to the stomach about being confronted with the very question that I didn’t want to answer the most. I manned up and said that I was not ready for a relationship being such a short while out of my previous long term relationship. I admitted to him that I enjoyed his company but it fell short of love.

I could see that Mr Complicated was devastated, his emotional state had been shattered by these very words. I wanted to run away. Mr Complicated went on the attack and asked what was wrong with him that I didn’t want a relationship with him. He quoted from my profile and recognised that he did not have direction in his life and was certainly not sorted. He called himself stupid and silly for loving me. To which I replied that he was not stupid and silly for sharing your feelings. I confessed that I was stupid and felt bad for my actions but I didn’t want to hurt him anymore.

We went over his neighbour’s place. Mr Complicated was just sitting on the floor looking at me, I could see he wanted to let his emotions run wild and cry but was keeping it in for my benefit. He got his fire back in eyes and said a couple of times that all men are ‘cunts.’ I said that it’s my time to leave, I squeezed Mr Complicated’s shoulder and said I’m truly sorry. All I really wanted to do is to hold him and say everything is going to be alright.

I received a text on the way home from Mr Complicated saying that I was a special guy and telling me to be happy in myself and thanking me for letting him get to know me. He finished by saying bye. I replied saying I was truly sorry that the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt him. I also said that final climatic word bye. That word was hard to type, I did have feelings for him. It was unfair on him to try and continue seeing him if I knew that he wanted something else.

I continued the drive home feeling heartfelt sorrow for what I had done. I had hurt a nice guy and lead him on by my actions. I resolved to avoid this happening again.

So what can I learn from this experience:

·         A fuck buddy should be just that – no strings – no emotional connection – no intimate moments other than sex.

·         Actions speak louder than words – While Mr Complicated knew I was just after sex, my actions in sleeping over and watching DVDs gave him the impression of something more.

·         When a guy says I love you – seriously assess whether a relationship is possible, if not man up and say so – its easier for everyone if you say this sooner rather than later..

The question is: Do I put this down as rebound relationship #2… I say it’s 50/50 – happy to take your comments.

The Talk with my Fuck Buddy – defining the relationship

Mr Complicated (aka fuck buddy), had invited me over for dinner with his mates. When I arrived, the same people were there as the last night, although one more person had joined. They all seemed nice and readily accepted by sense of humour and sarcastic bite.

There was one moment that the banter was so funny, my diaphragm hurt from laughing so hard that I had let out a ‘bum burp.’ Needless to say the group thought this was too funny, which meant my diaphragm didn’t settle down for another five minutes.

It was getting late and a few people had departed, which left Mr Complicated, me, the prior root from Friday night and the new person. We chatted for about thirty minutes. Mr Complicated tried to make them leave the house by saying that he was tired and was going to bed. It was proving to be a repeat of Friday night. Mr Complicated whispered that he didn’t know how to make them leave. I said that they were his friends and were disrespecting him for staying when he clearly wanted them to leave. I was feeling unvalued as he appeared to value their presence in his home more than our time together. I also got the strong sense that he was a people pleaser and would never take assertive action to move his friends along.

I was in the kitchen tidying a few things up when the new person said that I could come over his house and start cleaning there. To which I replied I aint nobodys bitch. He then called me a scrubber. It wasn’t the word that offended me. It was more the fact that this was the perfect time to oust them from the house so I could have my talk. I snapped and got the resolve and conviction to eject them. I walked straight to the new person’s iphone and disconnected it from the speaker. I handed it to the new person and said it is now time for you to leave; the front door is this way. I ushered them out the front door. My final departing words to them were that I was not happy.

I definitely upset the new person by ejecting him, he rang Mr Complicated’s phone 5 times and left two text messages. Mr Complicated couldn’t believe what I had just done. He commented that no one had ever done that to his friends and felt happy that I had taken the initiative and ejected them. His other side was that he was a little annoyed at me for ejecting them. I think that overall he was pleased with my actions. I later found out in the morning that the text messages were from the new guy apologising for his actions and any disrespect that he may have shown to Mr Complicated or me.

Mr Complicated also commented that he sensed the new guy had a crush on me and was a little jealous at the attention that the new guy gave me (again – I’m completely oblivious to being checked out!). This may have explained why Mr Complicated was way more cuddly with me that night (stamping his territory) than the last time.

So we were alone snuggled under a rug on the couch, he was lying next to me with his head resting against my chest. The ‘talk’ was to begin…

I asked him how he was feeling towards me. He recognised that he had deep feelings for me and really liked being around me. The last time he felt a connection to another guy as deeply as me was his previous boyfriend. I asked what he wanted from me. To which he replied that he was just happy me spending time with him. He seemed to be pussy footing about the subject of exclusivity. I asked him directly as to whether he wanted me to be exclusive. He said that he just wanted me to be happy and didn’t want me not to be happy. He was effectively giving me his permission to fuck around. He had one condition that I don’t tell him about it and that if he asked the question to lie to him. This made me feel very uncomfortable as I felt like he was trying to be a people pleaser in trying to make me happy but not considering what he truly wants.

He made the comment that I was gorgeous and deserved someone more good looking that him. His low self-esteem issues were manifesting. My gaggle knows that Mr Complicated is good looking, nicely toned, tanned and a great cheeky smile.

Mr Complicated also let slip that he 'almost loved me' - I tried to make him explain the phrase almost and what was holding him back. However, he clammed up and just held me tighter.

In many ways although I was uncomfortable, I was happy that Mr Complicated was letting me off the hook to continue exploring my feeling for Mr Chefette. Although I knew deep down that Mr Complicated was only wanting me to fuck around, he was not wanting me to develop feelings for another guy. I knew that Mr Complicated would be devastated if it came to pass that I was developing a boyfriend relationship with another guy. But for the time being, I am happy spending time with Mr Complicated and exploring possibilities.

I stayed the night in Mr Complicated’s bed. Again I felt safe and it felt good with him holding me in his arms and I didn’t want it to stop.

Does this make me a bad person? I do feel a little bad continuing to spend time with Mr Complicated. I think it stems from knowing that he is a people pleaser. I kind of feel like I am using him as a door mat to spend time with and get a good fuck… but if he gets what he wants out of it – is it truly hurting anyone? I have resolved not to let Mr Complicated attach anymore strings.

One hell of an epic date – 20+ hours

It was date number 3 with the chefette. He came over for a pizza and movie night. Let’s just say it was a very nice night. We cuddled while watching two movies, he was lying across my chest with my hand on his chest. It felt good, it felt so right.

We talked about his ideal boyfriend. He wanted a tall guy who was masculine, had similar interests to him, was comfortable with silence and made him feel safe. It seemed that I ticked all the right boxes.

He stayed the night and we feel asleep spooning each other. While I was very horny I was conscious that I didn’t want to push the boundaries as he said he just liked to sleep while cuddling. With him big spoon and little spoon felt good. He was very toned and hugged me tightly.

When we woke I suggested we go for breakfast, which he enthusiastically accepted. The conversation was still flowing well. When we got back, we were just cuddling on the couch talking about his interests, his past boyfriends and getting to know him a little more. He seemed more able to ask probing questions than the previous two dates. I also felt more comfortable about opening up about my life, the relationship with my parents, my coming out story and the relationship with my X.

We seemed to have established a close connection. We continued to chat and cuddle on the couch. I had organised afternoon tea with a mate, so I invited him along. It was interesting to see how he interacted with my mate, he was a little smart ass and a little cheeky (just like me so it seemed like we were a good match).

After the afternoon tea, he continued to stay at my place and we listened to music. I felt like he didn’t want to go as he let out the biggest sigh when he said that he was making a move. Unfortunately I had dinner organised at my fuck buddy’s otherwise would have made him stay over again. So he left and confirmed that he would definitely give me a call. I immediately texted my gaggle of females that my 3^rd date lasted some 20+ hours! I must admit I was on a wee bit of an ego trip – my date clearly digged me and I digged my date.

In retrospect, I am amazed there were no awkward silences, we both fed off each other and picked up where the other finished. Any silences we did experience was not at all awkward, we just seemed to enjoy being in each other’s company. This evidenced that we had a good connection. I think we have all experienced those dates where we are struggling to find conversation topics – this was certainly not one of these. The day just couldn’t get any better.

I was tempted to give him a text to say thanks for the great day. But I honestly think that he already knew what I thought of him as otherwise he wouldn’t have stayed so long. I also didn’t want to seem clingy after only three dates. I was being cool, calm and collected.

However, this just further complicates my talk with my fuck buddy tonight. I could definitely see myself falling for this guy and we did have more similar interests. The only thing was that he might be moving to another city to check out the food culture there… It just seemed cruel that I had met a really genuine nice guy and that he might be moving interstate. It was vicious that at the same time I would have to have a ‘define the relationship’ talk with my fuck buddy. Well I recognise I can no longer call my fuck buddy, a ‘fuck buddy’, he has was too many strings for that, thus I have named him Mr Complicated. I hope this description is met with approval from my blog readers ;)

The fuck buddy talk that was not to be – the green eyed monster of jealousy rears its head.

I had rocked up at my fuck buddy’s place for dinner. When I got there his neighbour was there who I had met three times before. Not only that, he was expecting three more people to come over and have dinner. I felt a little ambushed as he had only mentioned that one person would be joining us for dinner – he said nothing about a ‘meeting the friends’ night. Maybe I was just being a little sensitive but to my mind if your potential boyfriend says that we need to talk you don’t invite all the friends to meet him. It came across as he was trying to avoid having the talk.

It became very apparent during the night that it was certainly a ‘meeting the friends’ night, he was seeking their approval. He asked his fag hag so what do you think of this guy (i.e. me) - he said he would like to get to know me more. His fag hag was appropriately diplomatic and said it is a little too early to say.

The conversation flowed well that night.

It was later in the night that it came out one of the guys was a prior fuck buddy (in the true sense of the term). My fuck buddy was a little drunk and was very open to questions. I asked when they last fucked. He replied that is was about a month ago. Throughout the night it was obvious that my fuck buddy was still very much attracted to him. He kept on massaging his shoulders and kissing him on the cheek. He was also using the same phrases he used on me… it dulled the emotions for my fuck buddy and made me feel like just another root to my fuck buddy.

I could feel the green eyed monster of jealousy rear its head. Apart from a welcome kiss, my fuck buddy had not touched me once that night to show affection. He was totally paying more attention to this guy than me. I began to question the connection that I had with my fuck buddy. Why on earth would he invite me over to meet his friends and then swoon over a prior root?

He made an observation that he has met a lot of guys but didn’t feel any connection to them. Which I felt indicated that he had found a connection with me. My thoughts were - damn well prove that you have a connection to me! Why the fuck would he expect me to be exclusive when he obviously is attracted to his 'friends.'

The prior root would not leave the place, myself and my fuck buddy were giving the appropriate hints to leave. In the end my fuck buddy went to bed and we were left to our own devices. It wasn’t until about 1:30 that I gave up and just said okay it’s late I’m leaving. It was obvious that the planned talk was not going to happen tonight. I was peeved… very peeved… still am peeved while writing this post… (deep breaths... deep breaths...)

I left but the prior root appeared to want to hang around a little more. I could sense something there. I just can’t get over why the prior root hung around so long. Surely any sensible person would just make excuses to go and leave the two ‘love-birds’ to their own devices. It wouldn’t surprise me if he had gone into my fuck buddy’s room and tried something on him. I would certainly be asking the question of my fuck buddy… brutal honesty is required.

It’s getting more complicated - Dinner and Movie Dates

I had been chatting to a guy on Manhunt for about a month or so, he was about 300kms away. He was keen on me coming down for a holiday and catching up. However, he seemed a little unresponsive at times, I would message him but he wouldn’t message back. It was about two months later that I received a text message from him saying he was in the city. I was excited to catchup with him so messaged back asking whether he was here permanently. He replied that it was only for a day. I enthusiastically said I was free that night if he was keen to catchup. I didn’t get a response. I then messaged on Manhunt, again no response. I messaged him once more just before leaving work, again no response.

I began to suspect he was a time waster. So I blocked him on Manhunt and never thought of it anymore. He earlier indicated that he was coming here permanently in August. So I unblocked him about 2 weeks ago thinking that I will give him the opportunity to explain himself if he messages me when his in Perth. About a week ago, I received a message from him just saying hey. I replied and said long time no hear and asked how he was doing. Again I received no response, although his stats said he had logged on and that the message was read.

I tried one more time in messaging him, I generally don’t chase my men as it gives the impression that your needy (I hate clingons!). His profile had been updated that he was now living in the city. So I replied back saying that it’s great that he was in the city and we should catchup. We chatted for a bit and arranged to meet for dinner and movies.

His photos didn’t do him justice, he had a boyish charm about him, a cheeky smile and was very good looking. He was mid to late twenties. He was a professional chef. The conversation flowed well as he was a talker and I kept on asking him questions to establish whether he was the guy for me. He didn’t seem to ask any questions of me, and when he did he didn’t probe further.

We watched the movie, it was kind of cute as he kept on getting snuggling closer to me throughout the movie. I just wanted to lean over and hold his hand, but as I have discussed before public displays of affections are a no no.

The movie finished and we went to our cars and shaked each other’s hands. On the way home I received a message from him that he enjoyed the night and that it was refreshing that it was not just about the sex - but he didn’t feel like I had talked enough. I cheekily replied that he hadn’t asked many questions.

I was exceptionally horny and toey after the date, so I logged on to Grindr. I received a message about 5 minutes after logging on from a 30 something cyclist, he was very toned and god damn scruffable. Needless to say he invited me over and we fucked like rabbits (full details in a XXX post to follow). I didn't get home until 2:00 o'clock so in the end only had 4 and a half hours sleep that night - I was falling asleep at my desk that day.

We texted a couple of times throughout the next couple of days and decided that we do another dinner and movies.

On our second date the conversation again flowed well, but still he didn’t ask probing questions. I felt like I was extracting all this information from him but felt he wasn’t really making any effort in trying to get to know me.

As we had finished dinner early we walked through a couple of shops. A salesman had approached us and asked whether we wanted any help. I could sense something as he held his gaze on me a little long but I just gave him a warm smile. My date then said no we don’t we are just browsing and waved him away. It was only after we left the shop that my date commented that the salesman was undressing me with his eyes. I was completely oblivious to this (truly - I am completely hopeless about cruising), but my date felt a little jealous and waved the guy away so he couldn’t look at me anymore. This made me feel a little special.

During the movie, he slipped his arm under mine and we held each other’s hands. It felt good skin on skin contact. I was relatively comfortable with this public display of affection as it was in a dark area. Thus one of my gaggle suggested the term DAPDA (‘dark area public display of affection’). I was comfortable with this DAPDA, it felt so right.

Later on we went for ice-cream, as we were looking at the different types he put his arm around my shoulder and gave me a squeeze. While there was people around I felt comfortable as it was not a sleazy touch just a warm touch that a mate would give.

So after the movies we gave each other a hug. On the way home, I again received a message. We both said we enjoyed each others company. He then let slip that he had expected me to invite him to sleep over my place just for cuddles not sex. He also confessed that I had been his first date since his last boyfriend two years ago. He previously stated he was a traditional guy so I said that he definitely should have said something as I didn’t want to give him the wrong impression that I was just after sex. So I took the reins and invited him over for pizza and movies on the weekend.

I could see myself falling for this guy as we both had similar interests. The only thing was that I was having the talk with my fuck buddy about exclusivity the next night. Who ever said that single life was easy! At least with a relationship you only have to consider the emotional needs of one person. Being single you need to consider the needs of all your dates, your fuck buddies and your randoms. One of my gaggle cheekily suggested that I should do the double date thing and have two changes of clothes. I laughed that that only happens in the movies!

However, since writing my blog, I’m beginning to recognise that my life is interesting and a good story. My gaggle have described my blog as “Gay Sex in the City”. I think probably relate  more to Samantha than the other characters.

So I’m writing this post just before I head out to have the talk with my fuck buddy. I feel a little out of my depth as I seriously think that I relate more to my chefette than my fuck buddy. And my fuck buddy still smoked – strings would have to be detached if that was to continue.  It’s all getting very complicated…

Fuck buddy Developments – has the relationship been defined?

I apologise to my avid blog readers, a lot has passed over the four days since my last post. For one I have met my fuck buddy twice, second I went on a date with a hot young guy followed by a fuck with a divinely sculptured cyclist. This post will cover developments with my fuck buddy. Do not be dismayed, the date and fuck will be covered in my next post… so much to write but so little time.

So on Saturday, my fuck buddy invited me to dinner and to watch some movies. In the afternoon he texted to see whether a neighbour of his could also joined us. I replied ‘of course’ (you may recall my fuck buddy being upset about my last response to a friend invite).

Throughout dinner, it was apparent to me that his neighbour thought that we had something more going on between us. This was demonstrated through his knowing smile and the glint in his eye.

The dinner was divine. He was an exceptional cook (big tick in the box). It was a three course meal suitable for a King or in my case a Queen.

We watched some movies while snuggling on the couch. I honestly felt at the time that life couldn’t get any better. I was in the arms of a sexy man, who was a great kisser, great cook, very fit and had a gorgeous cheeky grin. Unfortunately I had something on in the morning so couldn’t stay the night. That night we didn’t have sex, but I hadn’t felt that connected to a guy for absolutely ages.

Well that brings me to my second night with my fuck buddy. He again invited me over for dinner and to watch True Blood (yes the vampire series – I am a self-confessed addict for all things True blood! Team Eric all the way).  Dinner was again exceptional it was simple and tasty.

Halfway through dinner his neighbour again visited his place. He stayed for about two hours that night. All the while I just wanted him to get out of the chair and to leave. How dare he impact on my cuddle time watching True Blood!

It was then he dropped the ‘love’ word. I can’t recall exactly what he said, he may have said he could easily fall in love with me or that I was lovable. In any case, I took it as him having deeper feelings for me than I had first thought.  This was to be confirmed through a question that he asked later at night.

I was a little tired after his neighbour left, I actually fell asleep halfway through watching  True Blood (I know I know – it tantamount to blasphemy). I woke up a couple of times only to find my fuck buddy smiling at me, he gave me a deep kiss every time I woke up. It felt great.

It was after the tv show that he asked a strange question. He asked whether I had been with any other guys recently. I tried to side step the question and asked why he was asking that question. He pushed and pressed me into responding to his question. I gave him the truth and said yes that I have fucked another guy the week before. His response was unexpected.

He said that he can’t believe I had responded to the question. He said he was not happy at me having fucked another guy. He even went so far as to say he was feeling sick. He went all silent for about 5 to 10 minutes. He was just holding me in his arms tighter and breathing shallowly. I could sense him trying to process what had just occurred.

After a while I asked why he thought we were exclusive as we hadn’t discussed it. Also about a week later he had responded to one of my anonymous posts on craigslist for a fuck (a post on my craigslist experience will follow). So I said that he was giving the impression that he too was fucking around. He said that he had not fucked since the last time we were together. I question whether this was in fact the case.

I also repeated what he said the first time we had met, that he valued honesty. So I commented that I am being completely honest with him, I could have said an untruth but I didn’t as I respected him enough to not lie.

I asked him whether he wanted me to leave. He said no and wanted me to stay the night. I don’t know when I fell asleep but I woke up with a dead arm in the arms of my fuck buddy. I woke him and dragged him to his bed where we fell asleep spooning (me being little spoon, him being big spoon). That morning we gave each other blowjobs (it was a nice early morning release). Unfortunately I had ignored my alarm and it made me an hour late to work... oops

During the writing of this post, I got an SMS from him saying that he was silly and stupid to ever think he could have a relationship with him. I replied that he should never call himself silly and stupid and that we should discuss how we feel about each other. So he has invited me to dinner and movies on Friday night. I can honestly say I am looking forward to being with him again.

Today. one of my long distance gaggle has made me admit that I have feelings for my fuck buddy. She has earned the nickname “Ms Wicked”. I do have feelings for my fuck buddy. But after being in a long term relationship, I am reluctant to acknowledge these feelings as I don’t want to hurt myself or hurt another person.

I’ve always said I wouldn’t date a smoker. But alas I was considering exploring a relationship with my fuck buddy who smoked a pack a day. He also didn’t fit all my criteria for boyfriend material. Thus I have severe reservations about accepting my feelings for him. Time will tell I suppose.

XXX – An Awesome Fuck – 10/10 on the fuck scale

I followed my fuck buddy into the bedroom. I began removing my clothes. He stopped me halfway through and pashed me on the lips and sucked my neck. He gradually went down my body pausing and sucking on my nipples. He unzipped my pants and mouthed my cock through my underwear. I got an instant boner.

He undressed the remainder of my clothing. At this stage he was only wearing boxer shorts so I began to remove them and give him a suck. I pushed him on the bed and continued to make him writhe with pleasure as I concentrated on his head sucking it like a lollipop – it tasted so good. I also gently sucked his balls and licked the g-spot between his legs and groin (he was moaning and groaning which made me so horny).

He then moved himself up the bed where we continued to pash and suck neck. My cock was so fucken hard at this stage. He begged me to fuck him. I lubed his ass and slid my cock gently inside him. I held his legs in the air as I slid my cock back and forth to get him primed for the fuck of his life. As he became more comfortable I pushed his thighs to his chest to get a little deeper. His eyes evidenced his pleasure as they were rolled back and he had the biggest smile on his face. As I held his thighs I bent in to continue to pash – he was an awesome kisser. I lifted up my knees and gave him the biggest pounding. Thank god I had been working on my push ups so I could support myself. My arms were holding steady and I moved my hips to give him a deep fuck.

We changed positions with me on my back – he wanted to ride my cock. He sat on it like an expert, I grabbed his ass and slapped it. He lent over and we pashed while my hips went up and down to get my cock deeper inside him. I also pashed his nipples, he seemed to love me nibbling and sucking on them (I love this too J).

We finished off with him in doggy and me holding him down as I fucked him like there was no tomorrow. He moaned with pleasure that it was so fucking deep. I couldn’t hold on any longer and with one final thrust climaxed and he climaxed at the same time. It was so fucken hot! We just laid on the bed holding and congratulating each other for our stamina and technique.

You know it is a great fuck when your mind is only thinking about what just occurred. It was like I had taken morphine, my brain was flooded with happy hormones. It was an awesome feeling. This is what sex should be all the time…

My Fuck buddy – Can it get any better?

I must admit I have grown quite attached to my fuck buddy. I didn’t hear from him for several days and was thinking that he might be ‘over me’ and wanting something more with someone else. I messaged him to see how his week was progressing. We chatted back and forth… but no invite was forthcoming. I was in a little bit of a sad.

I had two of my gaggle over for dinner and we discussed this turn of events. I was constantly logging on to Manhunt to check whether he had messaged. They both agreed that he was probably playing hard to get or just pulling back so he didn’t get more emotionally attached… as who wouldn’t want to have sex with me (bless them – they know how to stroke a guy’s ego). I found out that he was neither ignoring me nor was playing hard to get.

The next night I manned up again and asked him how the rest of his week had gone. It was then he invited me over. I was ecstatic and immediately messaged my gaggle. He again greeted me at the door with the warmest smile – it was so sexy. I followed him to the bedroom. It was there that I had the best sex – it was off the scale, like nothing I had experienced before. (I have included the full intimate details in a XXX post).

After the fuck, we chatted a bit. It was then he confessed that he was not drinking alcohol. Thus I attribute the awesome sex to him being sober. Oh my god – I would never let him drink another drop to experience the best fuck again and again!

He invited me to stay and watch a movie. Having him just snuggle and get cosy under the rug felt so right! It was then I began to question whether I could have a relationship with him, I ran through the pros and cons… cook, sexy, tradie, surfer, romantic, great sex and normal – how could I possibly get a better boyfriend (this was my little head talking) – my big head was thinking otherwise. Essentially the only thing that was not going for him was he didn’t much drive in him to succeed.

I feel like I am being a little superficial concentrating on the cons rather than focusing on the positives. I must confess that he is not the type of guy I could see myself introducing to my friends or family. But I could definitely introduce him as a trophy husband…

So what am I doing tonight I hear you ask – well he has invited me over to dinner and movies… I’m looking forward to holding him in my arms again… (I hear the violin playing in the background – stringing some music – it sounds good)… 

My coming out story

I’ve always known I was different and attracted to guys. The earliest point I remember about speaking about my attraction to guys was with my mother. I always loved flicking through the catalogue and looking at the men’s underwear section as opposed to the female underwear section. I was about eight when I spoke to my mother about this attraction. I asked my mum why it was that I looking at guys pictures as opposed to female pictures. My mum was a little taken aback and queried whether I was looking at them in a ‘friendly sort of way’ or ‘in another sort of way.’ I will always remember the change in tone in my mother’s voice when she said “another sort of way”. The  change in tone indicated that it was bad if I liked looking at the pictures in “another sort of way.” I must have been very intuitive at age as I instantly and without thinking said it was only in a friendly sort of way.

About 2 years later when I was ten did I finally found out what I was. My parents are fanatically religious, we attended church three times a week and did regular bible studies as a family. It was during a personal bible study with my father that I instantly connected to a picture in a book. The picture was of two male cowboys kissing. I asked my father what the two men were doing. He said they were “homosexuals” and that god did not like them. He then talked about Sodom and Gomorrah in relation to God destroying the cities due to their homosexual activities of men sleeping with men.

I was being indoctrinated that men who were attracted to men were Satan’s people and thus would not get into heaven. The thought of not going to heaven was completely frightening to me at such a young age, but I knew who I was and who I was attracted to. In hindsight, this was probably the cause of many nightmares.

Therefore, I had to come to grips with being a homosexual at a very early age. I even fantasied about my Year 3 teacher and my fellow classmates. I didn’t know any other gay people at all, so I couldn’t discuss my attraction with anyone. I had to internalize, reconcile and process the indoctrination of the church with my feelings. I withdrew from my parents and put on an effective mask that all was well.

It was only when I was 17 did my mask come crumbling down. It all started with seizures. At first I did not know what was going on, I would be in the middle of something and then get this overwhelming feeling of danger. My heart would elevate, my breathing got shallow. I felt like I was having a heart attack. I had cat scans and MRIs to work out what was causing my seizures.

The results were normal, thus it was determined that it was psychosomatic. I was actually having strong panic attacks. I was transferred to a psychiatric hospital. The first night in a psychiatric hospital is completely scary. I cried myself to sleep. I knew I was fine if I only I could come to grips with telling my parents that I was gay. I was to spend three long months in the psychiatric hospital. I also spent two weeks in a padded cell as I was suicidal.

During my stay in hospital, I got to know my first gay person. We instantly connected and I found I had my first man crush. We talked for ages and were inseparable in the hospital. It was my feelings for this guy that made me finally come out to my parents on the phone. I was released a week later (yes, my psychiatrists thought that I had come to terms with my sexuality and thus was not required to stay in hospital – how wrong they were).

I had a long uncomfortable discussion with my father and mother. Their religious beliefs were that I had learnt my homosexuality. My reply to them was how could I possibly learn this behaviour if I was brought up in the religion and that I didn’t know any other gay people. For fuck’s sake I was a walking example that environmental factors did not play a part. However, to appease my parents, I agreed that I would continue to go to church and have meetings with the church priest to work through my issues. I also had reluctantly agreed to not contact the first gay person I had ever met. Needless to say I was emotionally upset and he was too. My actions would prove to be disastrous.

It was about three months after returning home, I was still on strong anti-psychotic medication. I felt I could no longer live this double life, I was destroying myself emotionally by trying to conform with my parents expectations and religious upbringing. Something broke inside me, my mind crystallised. I had tunnel vision that the only way out of this predicament was to commit suicide. It was a moment of sheer determination when I took a whole bottle of the medication (enough to kill at least 4 people). As I was falling asleep my mind was at rest, I felt free. I simply can’t explain the sense of utter satisfaction that all my worries would dissipate.

My next memory is waking up in the Intensive Care Unit with tubes in my mouth and cords everywhere. That moment of waking was extremely distressing. I wanted to die not to live through the torture that was my life. I found out that after falling asleep my parents found me walking around the house like a zombie completely unresponsive. They called an ambulance and I had my stomach pumped. I felt like shit, not only from the actions taken to save my life but the mere fact I was still alive.

I resolved that as I was still alive, I would take control over my life. I told my parents that I was gay and there was nothing they could do or say that would change the situation. I refused to attend church or attend bible studies. I was turning my back on religion. It was the best thing I have ever done.

My father was deeply distraught by this turn of events. He attempted to blackmail me to try and make me stay within the religion by saying that he would have to resign his priesthood as he couldn’t reconcile being a priest and bringing up a gay son. He also gave the usual speech – as long as you live under my roof you can’t practice being gay. Needless to say this was possible as I still did not know any other gay people. But I did not want to give my dad the satisfaction that his blackmail worked. I moved out within two weeks.

I tried to contact the first gay person I knew, only to be stonewalled and received no response.

Do I still talk with my parents? – Yes. We have reached an agreement to tolerate each other. My mother doesn’t ask too many questions and I don’t provide too much details. They initially still tried to preach to me saying that I was not going to go to heaven. I had the perfect response, if all the other gay people where not going to heaven then why would I want to go to heaven. They had no response to this.

Do I still love my parents? -  This is a very difficult question. They did bring me up the only way they knew how. I appreciate that I am the person I am today because of this upbringing. I honestly don’t know whether I can say I love them. I don’t hate them, I hate their behaviour and actions towards me.

I can say I hate religion, all types of religion. I am an atheist and do not believe in a divine being.

All tied up by my Fuck Buddy

I had logged on to Manhunt after work and within five minutes had received a message from my fuck buddy asking how my day went. I gave him the usual spiel - it was a little busy at work but felt like I was productive.

He then sent a very strange message - he was letting me know that he met an awesome and amazing guy and was trying to make everything work with the guy. When I first read it I thought he was being a little cheeky and referring to me. When I read it a second and third time I understood that he had met another guy and was trying to make a relationship with this guy.

It felt like he was closing the door on our fuck buddy arrangement. I must admit I felt a little sad that I wouldn’t be getting another massage and magical hug from my fuck buddy… However the next day I received an invite to come over…

I rocked up at his place, when he first saw me he had the biggest warmest smile on his face. When we started talking he confessed that he had missed me. Later on during the night he also confessed that the awesome and amazing guy he had met was me. He then invited me to stay the night…

We talked for ages and listened to music, we got talking about each other’s childhood, the way our parents brought us up and each other’s past relationship. This was definitely not a fuck buddy conversation. We went to his bed were we had sex and then fell asleep in each other’s arms. It was a chilly night so having the warmth of his body against mine was pure heaven.

We woke up early in the morning but continued cuddling till about 10:00 in the morning (it was a shock as I only thought it would be about 8:00 at most). The morning was special, it was at this point I finally acknowledged it was not just a fuck buddy arrangement it was at the very least a mates with benefits arrangement. It had too many strings to just be about sex, I genuinely felt there was something more albeit something less than a romantic entanglement.

Throughout the night I felt like he was tying me up with more and more strings. He let out the cutest sighs, it was a sigh of absolute contentment. He also had a glint in his eye whenever we locked eyes and he held me closer… Although he repeatedly commented that he knew I was just after a physical relationship and that was all ‘kewl’. I think this was comment was more for his own benefit, he needed to reaffirm to himself that I was not seeking a relationship.

The next night I got a message he was bored so came over and we snuggled watching a movie. I fell asleep a couple of times, only to find him just looking at me with a knowing smile on his lips. He invited me to stay the night again, but as I had work the next day I said I should go home (although I really didn’t want to!).

So my fuck buddy had turned complicated, he seriously wanted to have strings and tie me up from my little toe to the tip of my head, all the while knowing that the guy he was with was not after a relationship. I feel a little bad in making him feel this way. However, I was leaving it in his court as to when and how he wants to see me. And I believe he would feel a hell of a lot worst if I just cut him off...

The fuck buddy strings are stringing

It was a couple of days after the last meet with my fuck buddy. I received a message on manhunt from him simply saying that he wished me all the best and hoped that I found what I was looking for in life. I replied saying that it sounded like a goodbye and wished him all the best in life too.

He instantly replied back saying it wasn’t a goodbye and that he had been thinking about me too much. He then invited me to dinner and do ‘normal things.’ Apparently our meets have not been normal and he wanted to cook me dinner and chill with me watching DVDs (the violin strings were playing very loudly). Had we not discussed and agreed a couple of days ago that it was only a physical relationship?

There were far too many strings in that message for my liking…

1)      The admission that he had been thinking about me too much – one should never think about a fuck buddy unless it is just about sex!

2)      The fact that it was not a goodbye…

3)      The invitation to cook me dinner and do ‘normal things’ – one should only ever see a fuck buddy as way to get off.

This was totally at odds with our previous chat about how he just wanted to be my bottom for however long as I wanted and the admission from him that we were incompatible as a couple (I knew that within the first five minutes!).

My little head was saying well as long as he is willing to see you then you have no obligation to reiterate that it was just a fuck relationship. I had made my position completely clear – the dinner invite just muddied the waters.

So did I accept? ABSOLUTELY - I followed my little head's advice.

Can’t anything be simple and clear cut? Is it wrong of me to just want a massage, a cuddle, a good fuck without anything more? Perhaps my actions were speaking louder than my words, I should have reminded him that I was not after a relationship.

I talked with my gaggle about this turn of events. I admitted that I was probably a little misguided to accept the dinner invite without establishing the basis of the invite. After this admission, I got a flurry of emoticons from a bitch slap to romantic love hearts to a “note to self” which read ‘it is illegal to stab people for being stupid.’ Then I received the ultimate slap in the face, one of my gaggle had sent me the ‘Britney pic’.

By way of background, one of my gaggle often has moments of sheer blondeness. One day she had such an utter blonde moment that I searched for a pic to encapsulate the moment. I found the perfect photo. It was of Britney Spears doing the chicken dance. It was absolutely perfect. She looked like she belonged to a mental institution. I sent her the pic and just said ‘Brits nuff said’. Needless to say she pissed herself laughing at how appropriate the pic was. The name of Brits stuck to her like chewing gum to hair like shit to arsehole.

The fact that she of all people had sent me the Brits pic was her way of telling me how utterly stupid I was… I felt somewhat ashamed – but still believed I could salvage something with my fuck buddy that would not resemble a relationship in any way…

My gaggle then uttered the unthinkable words “I hope you get a boyfriend” – she had no right to jinx me in this way!

Well let me just say that she could have probably been a prophet – I received a text message in the next couple of days that would prove to set the tone for our next meet and it made me feel bloody uncomfortable…

The Flight Attendant… a 2/5 on the date scale

It was a long work day, I was unproductive and was unmotivated. I logged on to Grindr to see if I could arrange some fun to perk me up that night.

I was messaged by a flight attendant who was staying at one of the hotels in the city. He seemed nice and genuine. I asked the usual questions such “what are you looking for?” - “what do you do for work?”. Surprisingly he wasn’t just after fun but was after dates and mates.

It was decided that I would come to his hotel room and have a chat to see if we clicked (I failed to recall dating rule #3 always have the first meet in a neutral place). He seemed a little nervous about giving me his hotel room number. He was curious and asked whether I felt uncomfortable going to his hotel room. I simply replied that I was confident and comfortable… I mean why would I feel uncomfortable about meeting in a hotel room? I should have seen the warning signs…

So I got to the hotel lobby and walked up to his room. His looks were just a little less cute than the pic. I resigned myself to the fact that I was not going to get a fuck tonight. We got chatting and it soon become blatantly apparent that he was not a guy I would consider having a relationship with. He was overly effeminate and lacked confidence (the ‘be alert’ tone was sounding). In addition to being a flight attendant he previously owned a beauty salon (the alarm bells had moved towards the evacuation tone).

Being the gentleman that I am I continued to chat for about an hour and a half. Admittedly there were a couple of those awkward silent moments. I was the one asking all the questions as I didn’t want to divulge too much about me as I was already distancing myself from this guy and didn’t want him to get the impression that I was interested in him.

After the obligatory hour and a half, I said I needed to go home and cook dinner. He instantly latched on and invited me to dinner at the hotel (he had demonstratred that he was an expert clingon). I actually had some salmon that needed cooking, so I gave an honest answer that I needed to cook something up that night.

When I told my gaggle the events of the night, do you think I got any sympathy? No, one of my gaggle pissed herself laughing and found it hilarious that he exactly fitted the gay fem flight attendant stereotype.

How could I have avoided this awkward date? Firstly, meet in a neutral place to assess whether his pic is true to form. Secondly, have an exit strategy! Yes, I’ll repeat that for maximum impact – I had no exit strategy.

You see it in all the movies and romantic comedies… one must have an exit strategy planned prior to going on a date. There are two reasons for this, the primary reason is to exit from a dud date quickly, efficiently and with a minimum of fuss. The second reason is to avoid that awkward situation where you have to tell your date that he is not your type and the inevitable questions that follow.

Feelings of being Asexual - my lack of sex drive

My four cocks in one day experience had left me wondering what was occurring with my body, I had very low libido and couldn't get a strong erection. It was if it was saying hold on buddy you’ve had too much cock… SLOW DOWN. If this was the case, my body was being very inconvenient! I had only just come out of a rebound relationship so my big head wanted to fuck around with all the hotties, however my little head was acting like a spoilt child and was being a stubborn bitch.

I can’t really explain how I was feeling other than I had no motive or inclination to go out and find a fuck. Even if I saw a guy on Grindr or Manhunt it didn’t light the fire within my groin.

Not even stroking the sausage would work, my cock was dead and was laughing at me for even trying. Even if I did have a tiny spark of being horny, my once strong weapon was just a flaccid blow up hammer (the ones that you get from the Ag Shows or sporting matches).

I began to question my manhood. I googled erectile dysfunction, the web was saying that it is either psychological or physical. I was leaning towards it being psychological as of course not only had I separated from a long term relationship, I had also had my first rebound relationship end. It was my mind saying enough is enough, concentrate on me rather than just get it off with anonymous guys.

During this time, I continued to log on to Grindr and Manhunt trying to find that spark that guy that would light my fire and keep it burning. Let me tell you, there were some hotties that messaged during this time. I was constantly cursing my little head for its ineptitude.

There was one guy who had a gorgeous six pack, was a total bottom, great chest and was overall a great specimen of a man. He was totally interested in hooking up with me. My ego was well and truly boosted by this guy. However, my little head wasn’t having any part of it so I just said that I wasn’t feeling it. He continued to text me three more times, each time I gave a somewhat suspect excuse. Now that I have my mojo back, I haven’t seen him logon again. Its the luck of the draw I suppose...

This state of affairs persisted for three long weeks… you’ll never guess who broke the drought and gave me back my mojo… my FB…

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My date with a nice educated guy… FAIL

When you start reading manhunt or grindr profiles, it soon becomes apparent that most of the profiles are superficial and concentrated on just one thing – SEX! Don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining, manhunt is an excellent way to find a guy to get your load off with.

It was in this mindset that a guy messaged me on manhunt through the instant messenger. His tag contained the word ‘quality’. I of course looked up his profile before accepting the invitation. His profile ticked all the right boxes, he was athletic, educated, employed full-time in professional services, owned his own home, normal, genuine, sorted and he said he was good looking. The only thing was there was no picture, he said that this was due to what he did for work.

We got chatting and it confirmed his normalcy. We arranged to meet in the city over lunch at work. The tone of the conversation (I thought) was to get to know each other to scope a possible relationship.

When I saw him, he obviously did not have an athletic build. I don’t know any athlete that has a substantial beer belly and a double chin. I just don’t understand why people who are looking for a serious relationship would start off a relationship with a lie. We had an okay lunch, we talked about each other’s families, childhood, work etc. So we agreed that I would come over his place for drinks after work.

As we were departing to go to our respective workplaces, he did something that I was very uncomfortable with. He did a PDA (‘public display of affection’). It was a smooth brush over the shoulder that made my spine tingle. As discussed in my previous posts, I don’t appreciate PDAs. It is not that I am ashamed of being gay, quite the contrary I am very comfortable with my sexuality and discuss it openly at work and anyone who asks the relevant questions. It is a part of who I am. I think he was trying to say to me through touch that he liked what he saw…

We emailed each other to negotiate a good time for our drink.

The night of the meet, I rocked up at his place. He had some nibbles on the table and a good wine for drinking. The conversation flowed very well UNTIL he developed a sparkle in his eye and said whether I would like a neck massage…

I knew all too well what a neck massage would lead too. I politely declined and said I’m fine and made the comment that I generally don’t put out on dates. Only to be confronted with the realisation that he didn’t see this as a date. He questioned why I thought it was a date.

He then blatantly accused me of leading him on… he said well your profile reads as if you are up for a bit of fun as well… WTF! My meet obviously did not understand the difference between no strings fun and dating someone. If it was just no strings fun I would not have invested time in getting to know this guy. To tell you the truth, based on his appearance the first meet, I would not have even gone there. All my ticked boxes were wiped out in one foul swoop.

I wanted to get outta there as soon as possible. However we had drunk two bottles of red wine over the space of 3 hours. Being a one glass wonder, I was a little shaky on my feet. I stumbled to the door and tried to open the latch only for him to graciously open it for me. I was drunk and my car was in his driveway. I was not going to leave it there only to have to see him again. I drove off through the back streets. I was panicking for the whole 10 minutes on my drive home.

I cursed myself for getting into this predicament. I should not have consumed so much alcohol as to leave me vulnerable to the manipulations of a guy. I placed myself in a stupid situation which could have led to criminal charges for Driving under the Influence. I vowed that I would never go to a guy’s place and drink so much again!

So the moral of the story is never judge a guy by his profile (a take on never judge a book by the cover). The guy ticked all the right boxes in his profile but he clearly had a warped view on dating and how to build a relationship with a guy. For me a date does not mean I’m going to put out that night (I’m just a tad traditional in that regard). This has changed the way I negotiate with guys for a date, as an FYI I usually say that I don’t put out on my first date. Their response usually indicates whether we are of the same mindset…

And now for my second rule of dating/hook-ups - never drink so much alcohol that you can’t drive home at a moment’s notice.

The day I was hypersexual - four cocks one day...

It was about a week after the missing you message from Mister A. I was feeling rather horny and toey one night. My mind was in overdrive and I just couldn’t get to sleep. I logged on to Grindr and cast my line to see what spunks I could catch.

My first cast snagged a fitness instructor. I met him about 12:30 and was home by about 2:00. The sex was great, you could tell he was really fit and active. It showed in his enthusiasm for cock.

I woke up at 8:00 with a morning glory and decided to cast my line again. I had been chatting to a guy before about fulfilling his sexual fantasy. His fantasy involved him leaving the door open and being on all fours ready to be topped by the guy that walks in. He liked the thought of not knowing the guy and rough sex.  I obliged as this was also one of my fantasies.

It was about 10:00am as I walked up the driveway I was having second thoughts about whetehr this could be true or not. If I try and open up the door and someone else was there I would have a hell of a lot of explaining to do. Thankfully as I walked through the door, I saw him on all fours on the floor. I undressed and stroked my cock to get it hard. He also obliged by holding his hand in between his legs so my cock was rubbing against his legs and hand.

I topped him right then and there. Slapping his arse as I deeply penetrated him. He loved every second and moaned continually. He then stopped and wanted me to climax on his face. However, I couldn’t live up to my end of the bargain. My mind and my little head were not playing well that day. Being the dominant partner, I growled at him to cum. He instantly responded and stroked himself feverishly to climax. I got dressed, slapped him on the arse and walked out the door.

I was disappointed and dismayed that I had not climaxed. I had to get back on the pony and arranged to meet a guy that afternoon at 4:00. The sex was vanilla, but still I could not climax. My erection was less than satisfactory and I just couldn’t get my juices flowing.

I was cursing myself for my inadequacies about not climaxing for the second time that day. I would try for a fourth and final time. I setup a hookup with a guy in the next suburb. He wasn’t my type but I needed to climax to convince me that I was okay. The guy was totally unprepared for an encounter. He didn’t have a condom and didn’t have lubricant. Luckily – whenever I travel I carry two condoms and a small tube of lube.

I suspect he was deliberately unprepared, during the session he complained that he hated condoms. He obviously thought that if a guy comes over and there are no condoms that he would just bareback rather than going home (barebacking involves topping without a condom – a highly risky behaviour that is the main cause of HIV and Sexually Transmitted Infections). My safety mechanism is if ever a guy wants me to perform bareback it results in an immediate block. The reason for this is that you can never be sure whether he has barebacked with other guys – so effectively you would also be opening yourself up to catch any infection those other guys might have passed on.

It was a pretty dull session. He just stood there on all fours and wasn’t as responsive as the other guys. He had obviously drunk a few that night as he couldn’t get up and didn’t climax. To make matters worse, my erection was less than strong and yet again I could not get my juices flowing. We had both failed each other. I made out that I had climaxed with appropriate ooos and ahhhs (I didn’t convince myself let alone him).

So I ended my day in a downward funk… this funk proved to be a permanent feature of my life for the next three weeks.