Friday, 30 September 2011

Fuck Buddy – the final message

I believe I have received the final message from my fuck buddy, turned boyfriend, turned ex-boyfriend, turned ex-fuck buddy – six days ago.

The message read that he was going against all his natural instincts but just wanted to let me know that he still loved me and that I was a very special guy. My reply was direct and simply asked “what do your natural instincts tell you?” – no reply was forthcoming…

Over the last six days I have been thinking less and less about my fuck buddy. It was extremely hard that weekend not to pick up the phone and tell my fuck buddy I was coming over. I felt isolated and melancholy.

I know it’s for the best, but I can’t help but feel saddened that my fuck buddy didn’t try hard enough to win my affections again. But then again – if he is a liar, has commitment and trust issues then winning my affections would necessitate acknowledging what he did. It would also make it harder for me to disconnect my emotions from him.

I made a commitment to myself to stop feeling sorry for myself and get on the band wagon again…

On Sunday I got a message from a mid 20s tradie – he was handsome – had a good body – I know Im easy on the eye but thought I had hit the jackpot with him. More on this night later…

On Monday I arranged for a total of six dates in six days…

·         Tuesday night – a nice guy for a coffee date

·         Wednesday night – a spanish guy that had just arrived in the city – just a mate :P

·         Thursday night – a married man (yes I will delve into the ethical issues on this one)

·         Friday – a nice guy that lives in the next suburb for drinks at mine

·         Saturday – A cute young guy for a coffee date

·         Sunday – Meet number 2 with the tradie…

So by Monday I hope to be shattered and have a few guys to fuck around with to keep my mind off my fuck buddy. I will of course update my blog with each entry – when I have time :P

Saturday, 24 September 2011

Fuck buddy exposed and cornered

My fuck buddy messaged me yesterday – the first contact after the toilet flood incident. In the message he apologised for his actions that night. That he loved me and missed me. He wanted to see me that night to talk.

My reply was perfect – If you loved me he wouldn’t say he was committed and exclusive and then go behind my back and fuck around on a dating website. All I wanted was honesty – if he wanted to revert to just a fuck buddy arrangement then he just needed to say the word rather than toy with my emotions by continuing a lie.

His response was to be expected – he said he has always been faithful to me and has never slept with another guy since seeing me (I know of two occasions where he has previously said he has and then retracted the story). He wanted to know which “cock head” I had been talking to on the dating website as the guy was lying.

So I logged on to the dating website and messaged him by saying – I’ve been talking to this cockhead… don’t try denying it as it will make it ten times worse than it already is.

Again his response was on the attack – he said that he knew it was me. He also tried to point the blame to me by accusing me of being untrustworthy by creating a fake profile to try and catch him out. His final message was simply goodbye.

My reply was simply a return goodbye.

As you would be aware by reading all my posts about my fuck buddy – I had concerns and alarm bells which I ignored because the sex was fantastic and his cuddles was the BOMB! He was literally toying with my emotions and being manipulative. It felt like he had ‘won’ the challenge of making me fall in love with him – and he was ‘finished’ with trying to please me. He had withdrawn and disconnected – my suspicions had proved completely accurate.

He was verging on being a pathological liar – he was literally cornered but continued to maintain his innocence and then try and flip it on to me. I don’t believe in that bullshit and can see straight through it (albeit there was a faint tinge of rose colour)

Yes – I admit I will miss my time with my fuck buddy heaps and heaps. I will miss the cuddles watching movies, I will miss our dinners, I will miss the sex, I will miss the massages, I will miss seeing his smile 5 times a week, I will him his gorgeous body, I will miss the together time. I will again need to cope with my single time. My fuck buddy had proved to be a crutch and a distraction to me in relation to finding Mr Right.

I knew both consciously and subconsciously that a relationship with my fuck buddy was with Mr Wrong. I persisted. I must thank my fuck buddy for educating me about bad relationships. I have awareness and I value myself not to put up with bullshit and the mind games. I deserve a good catch – a nice guy who will treat me with respect.

My gaggle has helped me through these times by lending their ears to my continual stories about my fuck buddy. This blog has also helped me to reflect on what was happening rather than being in the moment and allowing my emotions to take hold. In reflection, I had some awesome times with my fuck buddy but these certainly didn’t make up for the mind games and the bad moments.

I would like to think that my fuck buddy is feeling regret for his actions. I personally don’t think that he ever will.

 In the right environment and with the right group of people my fuck buddy would make an awesome guy. I so wanted to help him realise that he was a great person and didn’t need to be a people pleaser which was destroying his sense of self-worth. In some respects I feel like I let him down – I could have been the person that dragged him up to the real world. But I realise rather than me dragging him up – he was dragging me down.

I think it is 50/50 whether he will contact me again to try and get me back. On one hand he loves the chase and the emotional high that he would feel when he gets the ‘rabbit.’ On the other hand he might think that this rabbit has bitten him and thus will not continue the chase… So I won’t conclude by saying I will never write about my fuck buddy again…

Thursday, 22 September 2011

PEP Progress

I had arranged an emergency appointment with the Sexual Health Clinic two weeks ago. I was still on the PEP but had noticed skin changes, weeping sores on my chin and an ulcer on my cheek. The first thing the Doctor said after inspecting the skin was that it could be I was sero-converting. Sero conversion is the body’s first reaction to HIV – it is fighting the HIV infection which weakens the immune system and then allows other nasties to take hold. I was freaking out – I thought it might be a simple case of herpes simplex virus.

I asked whether there were any reports of sero-conversion while on PEP. She said that she didn’t have the data. To a laymen’s mind, at the time I found it a little confusing that you could be on a drug that is fighting any potential HIV and still be sero converting.

She took all manner of tests. While she was taking them, I could not help but think how dangerous sex really is. One simple act of a condom slipping off during anal sex could cause a lifetime of trauma. It just goes to show you can never be too complacent about safe sex – it makes you re-evaluate life when confronted with the possibility that you could have contracted HIV.

I attended the clinic a week later, the results were thankfully all normal. I was completely relieved!

My next appointment is in two months - as the window for HIV is considered to be three months.

Fuck buddy – the final chapter Part 2 (yes I wasn’t finished)

Well, after telling me that he didn’t want to be my boyfriend and didn’t trust me, my fuck buddy continued to message me over the space of three days. The first day was a statement saying he knew it was over between us and that he hoped I would find a great man and that he still cared for me. The second day was that he missed me and loved me so much – he wanted to start again. The third day was that he had time to reflect on what we had between us and wanted to talk it through. I was the strong one and didn’t respond to any of these messages.

It was the fourth day that the tide turned and he arrived unannounced at my house. He knocked on the door with cake in hand. He was in tears, said that he missed me so much and wanted to see me to say that he loved me. I admit I crumbled and allowed him in.

We talked for a good two hours about what he had together, he was taken aback by my confession of love given that I had rejected his earlier confession of love. I said that I had fallen in love with him 3 weeks ago but his smoking and drinking held me back. I realised that I had still fallen for him despite these issues. He said he was uncomfortable with the boyfriend tag and that he thought things were moving too fast. I accepted this as it was a complete u-turn for me (without warning). We then followed each other to the bedroom and had the best makeup sex and fell asleep in each other’s arms.

Over the next week, my fuck buddy’s mind games begun. In conversation he would gradually call me his boyfriend and then say sorry because he knew I didn’t want to be his boyfriend (yes – a complete mind fuck). I took exception to this of course (strong willed and obstinate sometimes) I said hold on one second – that it was he that didn’t want to be boyfriends and that it was he that didn’t trust me. If anyone he was to ‘blame.’

I also felt very untrustworthy of my fuck buddy – it was Thursday night. My fuck buddy had always wanting to spend every night of the week with me. But that night he said okay I suppose I will see you Tuesday next week (a 4 night hiatus). To make matters worse he said that he was meeting up with a guy that he knew wanted to fuck him and to make matters worse to have a relationship with him. Of course he said nothing would happen.

So I turned private investigator – I knew he still had another profile on a dating website. I paid for a one month membership. I used a couple of pics from another dating website from a guy in America (he was exactly my fuck buddy’s type). I contacted him and he contacted me straight back. We chatted for a little bit – he acknowledged that he was only on the site to “get a fuck”. I felt a tingle go down my spine – I knew this wasn’t enough. I needed to catch him out and see whether he would provide an address and set up a time to fuck. This would be incontrovertible evidence of his ‘cheating ways’. I call it cheating as he continually said throughout our meets that he was committed to me, he was exclusive, he thought about me every minute of every day and that he felt ‘sickened’ about thinking about sex with another guy. I took this on face value. I knew deep down that this wasn’t the case.

Bringing you forward to this week, we went over one of his friend’s places for dinner (a straight couple). He was stoned and slightly drunk when I arrived to pick him up. So we went to dinner. It proved to be a most interesting night (interesting is not really the word for it though). During the main course my fuck buddy was trying to crack on to the husband – yes I mean full on – saying that he obviously had a big cock and that he would totally go there. The husband was completely gobsmacked. I tried to ask my fuck buddy to shut up and not make a fool out of himself – but alas he continued drinking.

It came to the end of the night, my fuck buddy went into the toilet. He was completely smashed so I held him up when he went to the toilet. He was playing funny buggers and started to piss all over the toilet seat, on me and on the floor. Tried as I might – he wouldn’t ‘aim.’ I started mopping up the copious amounts of urine on the toilet. When my fuck buddy snapped – he demanded that I stop cleaning up. When I ignored him, he literally grabbed my arms, shook me and said to stop it now. He had fire in his eyes. I felt like that if I pressed the situation any further that he would be physically violent towards me. Then he wanted me to kiss him. I said no and tried to get out of the toilet – lucky it had two doors...

He came out and yelled at me that I was a cunt, that it was over between us and never do that again to him. I turned the hostess aside and apologised profusely for the actions of my fuck buddy and for the flood in the toilet. I admired her composure when I told her this.

The hostess drove us home since we had caught a taxi. During the ride home, my fuck buddy kept trying to kiss me and be affectionate, he also said that he wanted to be fucked hard by me tonight (it was too late for that). We arrived at his place, I walked him into the house. I then said okay I’m going home and started to leave. He immediately got the fire in his eyes grabbed my arms as if to keep me from leaving. I shoved him back on to the couch, he got up again and started towards me, I shoved him again on the couch. I finally exited the door, started the car, locked the door, and drove off towards home.

I thought this would be the prime opportunity to catch him out with my private investigative skills. I logged on to the dating website. Low and behold – my fuck buddy was online. I messaged him asking how his day went. His response was I need a really hard fuck right now and invited me over. I asked for his address which he readily gave up. I said I would be over in 20 minutes… I had him – I had the evidence to prove that my fuck buddy was the lying scum of the earth that I suspected many weeks ago.

I felt sick – I felt silly that I had allowed my emotions to take hold and to control my big head. I subconsciously knew this guy was bad for me. My gaggle knew it all too well and advised me not to see him again weeks ago. But I persisted. Why? It felt good to be in his arms – it felt superb to have regular intimacy with someone.

It has been three days since the incident… not one message from my fuck buddy… In some ways I feel sad that my fuck buddy hasn’t tried to message an apology or try and mend what he had done that night (might be because he was too drunk and stoned to remember). I am resolutely not messaging him as a first contact.  I secretly hope he will try and contact me again – I want to say something to the effect of “Well – I finally hear from you – have you finally realised that the fucks you are getting are just that (yes I know what you have been up to) – they don’t respect you – they don’t say I love you – they don’t stay the night – they don’t cuddle watching movies. I hope you find what you are looking for. Goodbye”

I suppose I could be more cutting – I want him to feel regret rather than anger. But I acknowledge that he is unlikely to feel regret or remorse. He will just continue slutting himself to all and then when he is older finally look back and see himself what he truly was…

Well now that my fuck buddy is not monopolising my time – I will update my blog a little more regularly!

Saturday, 10 September 2011

A 26 Hour Relationship with my Fuck Buddy

Well I had come to the conclusion that I was in a relationship with my fuck buddy whether I liked it or not. Spending 5 nights a week together was definitely more than a mates with benefits arrangement. We obviously had chemistry it was clear we had a spark. So I made the decision to confess my feelings for my fuck buddy and see where it leads.

I brought flowers for him to commemorate the occasion (I had already assessed whether he liked flowers or not – some guys do not – he certainly did). I gave him the flowers. He asked why I was giving him flowers. I said that I wanted to make tonight special as I loved him and I would love to call him my boyfriend. It looked like he melted with those words, he had a huge smile and said that’s awesome and then kissed me passionately.

Later that night as we were cuddling in bed, we began to discuss kids etc (yes I know it is a little soon – he brought up the subject and I took full advantage of trying to assess where this relationship could head). We both agreed we would make fantastic fathers. In my previous relationship I would not even contemplate having kids, but with my fuck buddy I could imagine kids and how we would bring them up. He gave a comment about when we both turn 50 and looking back at all our previous boyfriends. I made the comment that “you never know we could still be together then” – he quickly replied with “don’t be silly baby – I certainly wouldn’t want to spend that long with a guy – fucking the same hole – would you”. I was a little taken aback as why someone would want kids in a relationship if they couldn’t see the relationship continuing for a long while. It sounded like he was treating kids as an animal – that he would have one and I would have one. It gave me great insight in what was going through his head and the fact that this relationship was only probably going to be a summer fling and not a long term relationship.

The next night, we had a couple of drinks at the local pub and then progressed on to a gay establishment. We had a good night, playing pool and having a few quiet ones. I could sense he was a little sloshed as his ability to play pool was greatly impaired. At one point, he blamed me for loosing and voiced that he was upset. I wasn’t going to have a bar of it and just said bull shit I am not a good pool player and you wanted me to be your partner – you need to take responsibility.

We were driving home in the car, and he was saying that it was really weird me saying I loved him. So I asked why... He said he totally unexpected my confession of love and was taken aback that I wanted him to be my boyfriend. So I asked him straight out whether he wanted to be my boyfriend... To which he replied he loved me but didn't want to be my boyfriend but still wanted to hang out.

The final straw came when he said that he didn't trust me... I tried to pin point the why but he just made it worse and said how on earth could I trust you. I was shocked. So I said well then that's it. I'll drive you home and say our goodbyes. He didn't fucken realize the impact of that statement in a relationship context. How could you love someone but not trust them?

He burst out crying and kept on asking me whether I was upset. To which I replied I'm taking you home that's all I'm going to say. I wanted to chuck him out of my car right there and then - I was fuming. He back pedalled faster than an otter and said I'm sorry I do trust you. But that was just him trying to salvage the situation.

I didn't look at him once in the car. We got to his place and he wouldn't hop out. He kept on asking why I was doing it to him. I said if you don't know why then it is no use explaining it to you.

He said that I had provided a valuable lesson to him to never love and trust another guy. That seriously hurt given that I had just confessed my love to him just over 24 hours ago. I said that's bullshit if anything you had provided me a lesson to not fall in love with someone, not to trust what that person is saying in terms of loving me.

I still was not looking at him. He said well if this is our last goodbye then at least look at him. When I looked at him, he looked miserable and frightened - with tears streaming down his cheeks. He gave me a kiss... I closed my mouth. He said he did love me... Then he changed it to do love me. I just simply said goodbye.

Am I going to contact him? No

Am I going to reply to his messages of apology? No

The final chapter with my fuck buddy turned boyfriend turned ex-boyfriend is at end. So my hesitation in having boyfriend status with this guy was fully justified. I tried - for it to last just over 24 hours is totally fucked.

Chefette continues to be unresponsive – the final chapter

Well I was to meet up with Chefette again for Sunday. However, I received a text message late afternoon saying that we couldn’t catch up tonight and to reschedule to Tuesday. I said that was fine.

I was surprised to receive no reason for the change of plans. I would have expected that he would provide an excuse or reason for the change of plans. This was a little concerning as he was not sharing his plans with me. I got the sense that he was pulling away. This was probably a good thing, as I was going to have a chat with him when we next caught up to ask whether he was interested or whether he was just going with the flow. It seemed like we were more mates than dating…

Me and my fuck buddy caught up Monday night for True Blood night, but we were both too interested in talking and fell asleep in each other’s arms as opposed to watching the show. I felt more of a connection with my fuck buddy than I did with Chefette. So I messaged Chefette and gave a  very plausible excuse for not catching up that night and asked if he was free later in the week. I also tried to give him a call after work to apologise and see how he was going. It is now Saturday and have not received one message, one bit of communication from Chefette.

I had given him all the options, he was a little cash strapped so I said just give me a ring and I would give him a call back. I also gave him my facebook and MSN details. There was literally no excuse to not communicate.

So this morning, I have texted him and stated “in the interests of closure… It was nice to meet him and wished him all the best for the future.” I don’t expect to receive a reply, it seems like he is avoidant in that he wants to avoid confrontations or discussions. So that’s the final chapter for Chefette.

Backlog - Update

Well apologies to all, it has been a while since my last update. So this post aims to clear the backlog :)

Well two weekends ago I spent Friday and Saturday nights with my fuck buddy. We were still talking about the volcano incident. He was upset when I walked out on him and never wanted to feel that way again. I reiterated that he had the right to spend time with anyone that he wanted as i had the right to remove myself from people that I didn’t want to associate with. It was more that he didn’t acknowledge my choice to not associate with them than anything else.

Apparently, I have pissed off his neighbour. His neighbour seems to be grumpy with me for whatever reason. He thinks I’m a ‘spoilt brat’, ‘controlling’, a ‘freeloader’, and an ‘obnoxious arrogant person.’ Its interesting to hear other peoples perspective of how they perceive you. Growing up in state housing in a lower socio-economic suburb with fanatical religious parents does not lend itself to becoming a spoilt brat. In fact my experiences have grounded me, made me stronger as a person. I acknowledge that I am a little bit of a snob – but lets face facts – I could have ended up as white trash with my background – instead I excelled at school and went to university – I made me – I wasn’t satisfied with the cards that life had dealt me and I did something about it – everyone has the opportunity to do the same.

I am a little opinionated and love a good heated discussion about politics, religion, boat people and all the topics that one should never discuss in polite company. I say what I think and have very reasoned logical responses to back up what Im saying. Some may call this obnoxious and arrogant. I consider it as having a spark, I’m not going to just go with the status quo – I tried that with hiding my sexuality – I’m not going to hide who I am or hide my opinions.

It was interesting Saturday night as during the day he had one of his fuck buddy’s round for drinks. Apparently the visitor had wanted to fuck around with my fuck buddy. As we were meeting that night, my fuck buddy was uncomfortable and refused. The visitor was upset at this refusal as my fuck buddy had never refused a fuck before. It was a little bit of an ego boost for me but troubling at the same time. My fuck buddy said that he knows that we are not exclusive but it didn’t feel right.

The visitor knew that I was coming round that night. When we left to go out for dinner, the visitor messaged to say how long my fuck buddy would be as he wanted to come round again… I said to my fuck buddy that he obviously wanted to fuck after I had left… he probably wasn’t aware that I would be sleeping over with my fuck buddy. When we got home, the visitor was asleep in my fuck buddy’s bed as the neighbour had let him in. My fuck buddy instantly knew that I would not tolerate it and was ‘upset’ that his visitor did not get the hint to stay away. I just simply said he had two choices, 1) eject him from the house and spend the night with me 2) I would leave.  There was no third option. Some may say that this is controlling… however I am not pushing for either option – I am just giving my fuck buddy the choice. If I was in a relationship there would be no options. My fuck buddy chose the first option…

Had a first date with a guy for morning tea today, he was one of those guys that look photogenic but sadly an unfortunate sight in reality. His skin was pocketed, his teeth were yellow and simply awful – he was a grinder and had grinded down a significant portion of this teeth. The first 45 minutes were all talking about him, his life and experiences, he was name dropping left right and centre. It appeared like his life was defined by the people he had met. It was only during the last 10 minutes that he seemed to show any interest in me – albeit a forced cursory enquiry into my life. He was uneducated, hadn’t completed Year 12, was hyperactive and couldn’t sit still. Thank goodness I had said that I had lunch with a mate as this was my exit strategy. I politely said that it was time for me to go and that it was nice to meet him – no talk about meeting up again on both sides… he obviously got the drift… he had insight unlike the McDonald’s manager.

I met up with Chefette for a movie night for the 7th date, it was nice enough. My feelings about the lack of connection with Chefette are continuing. We just didn't seem to have the spark. We seemed great on paper - similar interests, he had boyish good looks and a great sense of humour. The next date with Chefette on Thursday night went well. I actually met his mother, and we had a good chat about things one does not usually discuss on a first meet - politics and religion... (needless to say I was in my element and the conversation flowed well.
I continued to see my fuck buddy for about 5 consecutive nights for the next few weeks...