I brought flowers for him to commemorate the occasion (I had
already assessed whether he liked flowers or not – some guys do not – he
certainly did). I gave him the flowers. He asked why I was giving him flowers.
I said that I wanted to make tonight special as I loved him and I would love to
call him my boyfriend. It looked like he melted with those words, he had a huge
smile and said that’s awesome and then kissed me passionately.
Later that night as we were cuddling in bed, we began to
discuss kids etc (yes I know it is a little soon – he brought up the subject
and I took full advantage of trying to assess where this relationship could
head). We both agreed we would make fantastic fathers. In my previous
relationship I would not even contemplate having kids, but with my fuck buddy I
could imagine kids and how we would bring them up. He gave a comment about when
we both turn 50 and looking back at all our previous boyfriends. I made the comment
that “you never know we could still be together then” – he quickly replied with
“don’t be silly baby – I certainly wouldn’t want to spend that long with a guy
– fucking the same hole – would you”. I was a little taken aback as why someone
would want kids in a relationship if they couldn’t see the relationship
continuing for a long while. It sounded like he was treating kids as an animal
– that he would have one and I would have one. It gave me great insight in what
was going through his head and the fact that this relationship was only
probably going to be a summer fling and not a long term relationship.
The next night, we had a couple of drinks at the local pub
and then progressed on to a gay establishment. We had a good night, playing
pool and having a few quiet ones. I could sense he was a little sloshed as his
ability to play pool was greatly impaired. At one point, he blamed me for
loosing and voiced that he was upset. I wasn’t going to have a bar of it and
just said bull shit I am not a good pool player and you wanted me to be your
partner – you need to take responsibility.
We were driving home in the car, and he was saying that it
was really weird me saying I loved him. So I asked why... He said he totally
unexpected my confession of love and was taken aback that I wanted him to be my
boyfriend. So I asked him straight out whether he wanted to be my boyfriend...
To which he replied he loved me but didn't want to be my boyfriend but still
wanted to hang out.
The final straw came when he said that he didn't trust me...
I tried to pin point the why but he just made it worse and said how on earth
could I trust you. I was shocked. So I said well then that's it. I'll drive you
home and say our goodbyes. He didn't fucken realize the impact of that
statement in a relationship context. How could you love someone but not trust
them?
He burst out crying and kept on asking me whether I was
upset. To which I replied I'm taking you home that's all I'm going to say. I
wanted to chuck him out of my car right there and then - I was fuming. He back pedalled
faster than an otter and said I'm sorry I do trust you. But that was just him
trying to salvage the situation.
I didn't look at him once in the car. We got to his place
and he wouldn't hop out. He kept on asking why I was doing it to him. I said if
you don't know why then it is no use explaining it to you.
He said that I had provided a valuable lesson to him to
never love and trust another guy. That seriously hurt given that I had just
confessed my love to him just over 24 hours ago. I said that's bullshit if
anything you had provided me a lesson to not fall in love with someone, not to
trust what that person is saying in terms of loving me.
I still was not looking at him. He said well if this is our
last goodbye then at least look at him. When I looked at him, he looked
miserable and frightened - with tears streaming down his cheeks. He gave me a
kiss... I closed my mouth. He said he did love me... Then he changed it to do
love me. I just simply said goodbye.
Am I going to contact him? No
Am I going to reply to his messages of apology? No
The final chapter with my fuck buddy turned boyfriend turned
ex-boyfriend is at end. So my hesitation in having boyfriend status with this
guy was fully justified. I tried - for it to last just over 24 hours is totally
fucked.
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