Saturday 10 September 2011

A 26 Hour Relationship with my Fuck Buddy

Well I had come to the conclusion that I was in a relationship with my fuck buddy whether I liked it or not. Spending 5 nights a week together was definitely more than a mates with benefits arrangement. We obviously had chemistry it was clear we had a spark. So I made the decision to confess my feelings for my fuck buddy and see where it leads.

I brought flowers for him to commemorate the occasion (I had already assessed whether he liked flowers or not – some guys do not – he certainly did). I gave him the flowers. He asked why I was giving him flowers. I said that I wanted to make tonight special as I loved him and I would love to call him my boyfriend. It looked like he melted with those words, he had a huge smile and said that’s awesome and then kissed me passionately.

Later that night as we were cuddling in bed, we began to discuss kids etc (yes I know it is a little soon – he brought up the subject and I took full advantage of trying to assess where this relationship could head). We both agreed we would make fantastic fathers. In my previous relationship I would not even contemplate having kids, but with my fuck buddy I could imagine kids and how we would bring them up. He gave a comment about when we both turn 50 and looking back at all our previous boyfriends. I made the comment that “you never know we could still be together then” – he quickly replied with “don’t be silly baby – I certainly wouldn’t want to spend that long with a guy – fucking the same hole – would you”. I was a little taken aback as why someone would want kids in a relationship if they couldn’t see the relationship continuing for a long while. It sounded like he was treating kids as an animal – that he would have one and I would have one. It gave me great insight in what was going through his head and the fact that this relationship was only probably going to be a summer fling and not a long term relationship.

The next night, we had a couple of drinks at the local pub and then progressed on to a gay establishment. We had a good night, playing pool and having a few quiet ones. I could sense he was a little sloshed as his ability to play pool was greatly impaired. At one point, he blamed me for loosing and voiced that he was upset. I wasn’t going to have a bar of it and just said bull shit I am not a good pool player and you wanted me to be your partner – you need to take responsibility.

We were driving home in the car, and he was saying that it was really weird me saying I loved him. So I asked why... He said he totally unexpected my confession of love and was taken aback that I wanted him to be my boyfriend. So I asked him straight out whether he wanted to be my boyfriend... To which he replied he loved me but didn't want to be my boyfriend but still wanted to hang out.

The final straw came when he said that he didn't trust me... I tried to pin point the why but he just made it worse and said how on earth could I trust you. I was shocked. So I said well then that's it. I'll drive you home and say our goodbyes. He didn't fucken realize the impact of that statement in a relationship context. How could you love someone but not trust them?

He burst out crying and kept on asking me whether I was upset. To which I replied I'm taking you home that's all I'm going to say. I wanted to chuck him out of my car right there and then - I was fuming. He back pedalled faster than an otter and said I'm sorry I do trust you. But that was just him trying to salvage the situation.

I didn't look at him once in the car. We got to his place and he wouldn't hop out. He kept on asking why I was doing it to him. I said if you don't know why then it is no use explaining it to you.

He said that I had provided a valuable lesson to him to never love and trust another guy. That seriously hurt given that I had just confessed my love to him just over 24 hours ago. I said that's bullshit if anything you had provided me a lesson to not fall in love with someone, not to trust what that person is saying in terms of loving me.

I still was not looking at him. He said well if this is our last goodbye then at least look at him. When I looked at him, he looked miserable and frightened - with tears streaming down his cheeks. He gave me a kiss... I closed my mouth. He said he did love me... Then he changed it to do love me. I just simply said goodbye.

Am I going to contact him? No

Am I going to reply to his messages of apology? No

The final chapter with my fuck buddy turned boyfriend turned ex-boyfriend is at end. So my hesitation in having boyfriend status with this guy was fully justified. I tried - for it to last just over 24 hours is totally fucked.

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