The 'X': ex-partner

Well it wouldn’t be a candid blog if I didn’t explain how I became recently single. The X was my first true relationship – it lasted a fair number of years after the seven year itch (yes an eternity in gay years). The X was caring, loving, honest, and I trusted him…. UNTIL

It all started when we got a new iPad and new iPhones (the gadget of the millennium). First off I found some dating websites in the browser history and then found multiple SMS from unknown numbers while he was working in another city where he provided his room number. He actually needed to ask one guy his name the next morning… (WTF!)

The X still to this day does not admit that anything happened. It was apparently just ‘chat.’

To be honest the relationship was on the rocks for a number of months prior, we kept on seeing the same circle of friends, weren’t going out and hadn’t travelled overseas for years. We were stuck in a rut. This was part of the X’s excuse to go out and ‘chat’ to guys when working in another city.

I went through the normal range of emotions, ranging

- from intense sadness at the loss of my best friend

- to denial that he would never do such a thing (of course there is a reasonable explanation)

- to betrayal

- to anger

- to hate

So the person who I had trusted the most, the person who I believed would never lie to me or cheat on me became the person I detested the most.

I stupidly agreed (my first of many mistakes) to continue living in our home and attend counselling sessions. The first counselling session was very confronting and my X subtly changed his story during the session. That night I gave the “I can’t do this anymore” speech – my emotional walls were blockaded and reinforced with titanium non slip coating - my rollercoaster of emotions running free inside.

I was clinical – I showed no emotion - I was detached – I was disassociated like a fly on a wall. I needed the refuge that my own mind would give me.

Needless to say my X’s emotions ran free, he was a bubbling mess. As I was still living at the home (yes my first mistake was continuing), I continued to be subjected to the emotional volcano that was my X. My walls survived the unrelenting lava flow, never once did I break down in front of my X. He of course interpreted this as me being heartless and not ever loving him, not ever caring about our relationship. In some sick twisted way – I felt like this was his just desserts for making me feel this way.

I endured for one week and then moved in with one of my siblings (my family is a large family). This was after being told via SMS to remove all by belongings with only 8 hours’ notice. At the time of writing this post – we are still settling financially thus the saga continues…

After telling him it was over, I felt free and no longer trapped in a loveless relationship.

- Do I feel guilty about being classed as the 'dumper'? Absolutely

- Should I feel guilty? probably not, given the history.

- Do I still have feelings for my X? to be honest a small part of me does still have feelings, you can't have a relationship for as long as we did without developing strong feelings of attachment.

- Am I better off after the separation? Yes and no - I know it sounds kinda strange, but I feel a more complete person not being in that relationship. I am able to make my own decisions, make my own mistakes and be in control of my life. So emotionally I am better off. However, the financial implications are devastating!