Chefette update – The switch was not flicked - HE LIVES!

It has taken chefette over 4 days to respond to my text message. During this time, I had seen him login to MANHUNT. He messaged saying that he has now got mobile credit and was wondering how I was going. I replied to him thanking him for the message but saying I was not interested in catching up with him again, I wished him all the best in whatever he is looking for. I had sent this message just before I was going to my fuck buddy’s for the fifth consecutive night.

He replied about 15 minutes later (when I was at my fuck buddy’s house) asking why? I said that I am not interested in the chase, that I had lost interest and that I had expected a return call from my calls on Friday and definitely expected a return SMS for my message on Monday. I also indicated that I had seen him login to MANHUNT. I said I was not clingy but expected a reasonable amount of return communication.

He obviously didn’t understand where I was coming from, he was surprised that I could just suddenly change and that I was the first person he texted after he got mobile credit. He was accusing me of overreacting as he said that I knew he had no credit. He said that we should be mates at least. As I was at my fuck buddy’s I couldn’t instantly reply to his messages. He then tried to call me, but I booted him off to voicemail. One cannot have a conversation about communication with a guy in front of a fuck buddy (especially as this was to be the night where my fuck buddy opened up his feelings toward me). My fuck buddy was also feeling a little jealous that I was texting someone on my phone.

I texted chefette and said that I was at a dinner party, that I wasn’t ignoring him and that I would return his call tomorrow. When I called him the next day, we arranged to meet up at his place.

From my point of view, I don’t understand how someone can be so uncommunicative after a 20+ hour date. Chefette obviously had time to login to MANHUNT and continue his search for eligible bachelors. I am not upset that he has continued to source dates and chat with guys on MANHUNT, I was disappointed that he made the time to login to a site but not give me the time of day in responding to a SMS. I mean there are online sites that allow you to send FREE SMS…

After discussing these developments with one of my gaggle overseas, she made the point that not all people are communicative and have the same expectations as others. This does not show that the other person is not interested, rather that they don’t feel the need to return the communication. She recalled my words to her when a friend of hers didn’t give a wedding gift to her. The friend has MC’d at the night but had not provided a wedding gift. She was deeply upset as she considered him a good friend and felt like he didn’t feel the same way about her. I had said that maybe he thought that MC’ing the night was his gift to her. I asked the question whether she valued her friendship with him more than a wedding gift. When taken in this context, she agreed that she valued the friendship more than a material gift. She wanted me to know that some people have different views on communication. I take the moral of the story (after all I was the person that said it!), but this still doesn’t excuse how his lack of communication has made me feel.

It seems like I’m stuck in another situation where I have to define my feelings very early on in the dating situation (after the 3^rd date). My own expectations are that if you like someone that much you would try and do everything in your capacity to return communication.

We shall see whether the talk tonight calms by feelings…

The Flight Attendant… a 2/5 on the date scale

It was a long work day, I was unproductive and was unmotivated. I logged on to Grindr to see if I could arrange some fun to perk me up that night.

I was messaged by a flight attendant who was staying at one of the hotels in the city. He seemed nice and genuine. I asked the usual questions such “what are you looking for?” - “what do you do for work?”. Surprisingly he wasn’t just after fun but was after dates and mates.

It was decided that I would come to his hotel room and have a chat to see if we clicked (I failed to recall dating rule #3 always have the first meet in a neutral place). He seemed a little nervous about giving me his hotel room number. He was curious and asked whether I felt uncomfortable going to his hotel room. I simply replied that I was confident and comfortable… I mean why would I feel uncomfortable about meeting in a hotel room? I should have seen the warning signs…

So I got to the hotel lobby and walked up to his room. His looks were just a little less cute than the pic. I resigned myself to the fact that I was not going to get a fuck tonight. We got chatting and it soon become blatantly apparent that he was not a guy I would consider having a relationship with. He was overly effeminate and lacked confidence (the ‘be alert’ tone was sounding). In addition to being a flight attendant he previously owned a beauty salon (the alarm bells had moved towards the evacuation tone).

Being the gentleman that I am I continued to chat for about an hour and a half. Admittedly there were a couple of those awkward silent moments. I was the one asking all the questions as I didn’t want to divulge too much about me as I was already distancing myself from this guy and didn’t want him to get the impression that I was interested in him.

After the obligatory hour and a half, I said I needed to go home and cook dinner. He instantly latched on and invited me to dinner at the hotel (he had demonstratred that he was an expert clingon). I actually had some salmon that needed cooking, so I gave an honest answer that I needed to cook something up that night.

When I told my gaggle the events of the night, do you think I got any sympathy? No, one of my gaggle pissed herself laughing and found it hilarious that he exactly fitted the gay fem flight attendant stereotype.

How could I have avoided this awkward date? Firstly, meet in a neutral place to assess whether his pic is true to form. Secondly, have an exit strategy! Yes, I’ll repeat that for maximum impact – I had no exit strategy.

You see it in all the movies and romantic comedies… one must have an exit strategy planned prior to going on a date. There are two reasons for this, the primary reason is to exit from a dud date quickly, efficiently and with a minimum of fuss. The second reason is to avoid that awkward situation where you have to tell your date that he is not your type and the inevitable questions that follow.

My date with a nice educated guy… FAIL

When you start reading manhunt or grindr profiles, it soon becomes apparent that most of the profiles are superficial and concentrated on just one thing – SEX! Don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining, manhunt is an excellent way to find a guy to get your load off with.

It was in this mindset that a guy messaged me on manhunt through the instant messenger. His tag contained the word ‘quality’. I of course looked up his profile before accepting the invitation. His profile ticked all the right boxes, he was athletic, educated, employed full-time in professional services, owned his own home, normal, genuine, sorted and he said he was good looking. The only thing was there was no picture, he said that this was due to what he did for work.

We got chatting and it confirmed his normalcy. We arranged to meet in the city over lunch at work. The tone of the conversation (I thought) was to get to know each other to scope a possible relationship.

When I saw him, he obviously did not have an athletic build. I don’t know any athlete that has a substantial beer belly and a double chin. I just don’t understand why people who are looking for a serious relationship would start off a relationship with a lie. We had an okay lunch, we talked about each other’s families, childhood, work etc. So we agreed that I would come over his place for drinks after work.

As we were departing to go to our respective workplaces, he did something that I was very uncomfortable with. He did a PDA (‘public display of affection’). It was a smooth brush over the shoulder that made my spine tingle. As discussed in my previous posts, I don’t appreciate PDAs. It is not that I am ashamed of being gay, quite the contrary I am very comfortable with my sexuality and discuss it openly at work and anyone who asks the relevant questions. It is a part of who I am. I think he was trying to say to me through touch that he liked what he saw…

We emailed each other to negotiate a good time for our drink.

The night of the meet, I rocked up at his place. He had some nibbles on the table and a good wine for drinking. The conversation flowed very well UNTIL he developed a sparkle in his eye and said whether I would like a neck massage…

I knew all too well what a neck massage would lead too. I politely declined and said I’m fine and made the comment that I generally don’t put out on dates. Only to be confronted with the realisation that he didn’t see this as a date. He questioned why I thought it was a date.

He then blatantly accused me of leading him on… he said well your profile reads as if you are up for a bit of fun as well… WTF! My meet obviously did not understand the difference between no strings fun and dating someone. If it was just no strings fun I would not have invested time in getting to know this guy. To tell you the truth, based on his appearance the first meet, I would not have even gone there. All my ticked boxes were wiped out in one foul swoop.

I wanted to get outta there as soon as possible. However we had drunk two bottles of red wine over the space of 3 hours. Being a one glass wonder, I was a little shaky on my feet. I stumbled to the door and tried to open the latch only for him to graciously open it for me. I was drunk and my car was in his driveway. I was not going to leave it there only to have to see him again. I drove off through the back streets. I was panicking for the whole 10 minutes on my drive home.

I cursed myself for getting into this predicament. I should not have consumed so much alcohol as to leave me vulnerable to the manipulations of a guy. I placed myself in a stupid situation which could have led to criminal charges for Driving under the Influence. I vowed that I would never go to a guy’s place and drink so much again!

So the moral of the story is never judge a guy by his profile (a take on never judge a book by the cover). The guy ticked all the right boxes in his profile but he clearly had a warped view on dating and how to build a relationship with a guy. For me a date does not mean I’m going to put out that night (I’m just a tad traditional in that regard). This has changed the way I negotiate with guys for a date, as an FYI I usually say that I don’t put out on my first date. Their response usually indicates whether we are of the same mindset…

And now for my second rule of dating/hook-ups - never drink so much alcohol that you can’t drive home at a moment’s notice.