Chefette – Fourth Date

So I had bitten the bullet and had agreed to go to chefette’s place for a catchup.

It was a little awkward given the messages we had exchanged earlier. We watched a couple of movies together, he was being a little stand offish and was not really connecting physically like we previously had. When we went to bed, we got talking about the messages.

He said he was irritated about how I could ‘flip’ and described me as erratic which has made him ‘wary’ of me.

I explained that I was also irritated that he had not been communicative as I had expected. I explained that after two calls Friday and a text message that I would have expected a response sooner than he had provided. It made me feel that he was not interested in me. So this explained why I had lost interest as I was mirroring his apparent loss of interest.

He repeated that he didn’t have mobile credit and that I was making incorrect assumptions. I assumed that he was allowed to use his parent’s phone – he said his parents don’t like him using their phone. I said that the only reason I was making assumptions is that I was getting no feedback or information from him. Now that he had explained himself and corrected my assumptions I was more comfortable in his feelings toward me.

He accused me of guarding my emotions and prematurely disconnecting from a person when everything got too hard. I said this was unfair, I did show that I was keen through the phone calls and text message. The only reason I wanted to disconnect was his unresponsiveness.

He asked why I had agreed to come over given that I was adamant that I had lost interest. I said that I was giving him the benefit of the doubt and I owed it to myself to hear his side of the story before making a break.

He said that he understood where I was coming from, but I don’t think he truly got it. I think that he is one of those people that just doesn’t get the whole return communication thing.

We did have a very pleasant night – we slept in till 1:00pm the next day (a little short of the last date – but still a mammoth 18 hours). Our parting hug and kiss was the most intimate yet and we both agreed that we would catch up again… I’m not entirely satisfied that he truly understood my position but we shall see what the fifth date brings to the table.

Chefette update – The switch was not flicked - HE LIVES!

It has taken chefette over 4 days to respond to my text message. During this time, I had seen him login to MANHUNT. He messaged saying that he has now got mobile credit and was wondering how I was going. I replied to him thanking him for the message but saying I was not interested in catching up with him again, I wished him all the best in whatever he is looking for. I had sent this message just before I was going to my fuck buddy’s for the fifth consecutive night.

He replied about 15 minutes later (when I was at my fuck buddy’s house) asking why? I said that I am not interested in the chase, that I had lost interest and that I had expected a return call from my calls on Friday and definitely expected a return SMS for my message on Monday. I also indicated that I had seen him login to MANHUNT. I said I was not clingy but expected a reasonable amount of return communication.

He obviously didn’t understand where I was coming from, he was surprised that I could just suddenly change and that I was the first person he texted after he got mobile credit. He was accusing me of overreacting as he said that I knew he had no credit. He said that we should be mates at least. As I was at my fuck buddy’s I couldn’t instantly reply to his messages. He then tried to call me, but I booted him off to voicemail. One cannot have a conversation about communication with a guy in front of a fuck buddy (especially as this was to be the night where my fuck buddy opened up his feelings toward me). My fuck buddy was also feeling a little jealous that I was texting someone on my phone.

I texted chefette and said that I was at a dinner party, that I wasn’t ignoring him and that I would return his call tomorrow. When I called him the next day, we arranged to meet up at his place.

From my point of view, I don’t understand how someone can be so uncommunicative after a 20+ hour date. Chefette obviously had time to login to MANHUNT and continue his search for eligible bachelors. I am not upset that he has continued to source dates and chat with guys on MANHUNT, I was disappointed that he made the time to login to a site but not give me the time of day in responding to a SMS. I mean there are online sites that allow you to send FREE SMS…

After discussing these developments with one of my gaggle overseas, she made the point that not all people are communicative and have the same expectations as others. This does not show that the other person is not interested, rather that they don’t feel the need to return the communication. She recalled my words to her when a friend of hers didn’t give a wedding gift to her. The friend has MC’d at the night but had not provided a wedding gift. She was deeply upset as she considered him a good friend and felt like he didn’t feel the same way about her. I had said that maybe he thought that MC’ing the night was his gift to her. I asked the question whether she valued her friendship with him more than a wedding gift. When taken in this context, she agreed that she valued the friendship more than a material gift. She wanted me to know that some people have different views on communication. I take the moral of the story (after all I was the person that said it!), but this still doesn’t excuse how his lack of communication has made me feel.

It seems like I’m stuck in another situation where I have to define my feelings very early on in the dating situation (after the 3^rd date). My own expectations are that if you like someone that much you would try and do everything in your capacity to return communication.

We shall see whether the talk tonight calms by feelings…

Chefette update – the long wait

I don’t know what it is about chefette – something is amiss. He had to go back to his previous work to finish off a few things which was 3 hours away. We had originally scheduled to catch up on Thursday but he was too knackered to catch up after making the return journey. He immediately phoned me upon his return to rain check. I had atrocious mobile reception so we kept on cutting out so I offered to call him the next day.

I called him twice the next day but there was no return call. I did not leave a voicemail. When we originally met, he said he was not a phone person and didn’t listen to voicemails. He preferred direct talk. I took this onboard thinking it was a little strange at the time.

I was away for the weekend and didn’t have mobile reception so didn’t know whether he called. But the mobile carrier I am with (Optus) would send an SMS with the number if someone called through to voicemail but didn’t leave a message. I had no such SMS upon my return to mobile reception so could only assume he didn’t even try to return my call or hung up before the voicemail started. I think any reasonable person would assume the former.

As you could imagine it is a little frustrating when people make the effort to contact you but the receiver does not make the same effort to return the contact. This is particularly so given that it is with a potential partner. Maybe it’s just me but I expect more in a dating context than a friend context especially during the first couple of weeks of dating!

I just cannot understand why you spend 21 hours with someone and then play the game of not returning calls or messages. It is mind blowing. You wouldn’t spend 21 hours with someone if you didn’t enjoy their company.

This isn’t the first time that I have had to wait for chefette to respond… I hate ‘chasing’ contact with my dates as it can be seen as clingy and put them off. God knows that it puts me off! I have done my fair share of chasing chefette, I have sent one last SMS to him saying I tried to call and was out of coverage on the weekend if he had tried to return my call. I also said the days im free this week if he wants to catch up again. This will be the final SMS, if I don’t get a response to this message today then the ‘chase’ is over as he is obviously either not interested or a total rude prick. I’m not going to buy into the whole 'lost my phone' or 'run out of credit' excuses again…

It’s unfortunate because the time we had together was comfortable and fantastic… its strange how someone can just flick a switch and avoid returning contact. We shall wait and see whether the switch has been truly flicked.